TBS
by Crono12345
Summary: (UPDATED 4/16 You're gonna like this one!)This is one of my latest and greatest fanfics. You shouldn't read until you've already read at least 7 of my Nintendo Jeopardies. I'll let you guess what TBS means after you read this.Enjoy. I know I did.
1. The Cock and Plucker

The Bad Shrooms  
  
Chapter 1  
  
1 The Cock and Plucker  
  
The Cock and Plucker was always busy at this time of night. The night was rainy, and the locals needed shelter from this terrible night. Today though, was busier than ever. Although, this was not due to the fact of the thunderstorm, quite the contrary in fact. Rumors had spread like wildfire around the world of Nintendo that something big had just happened. Each rumor as unlikely as the next, but one thing was for sure, something unnatural had happened.  
  
"Didja hear the news?" Said the soldier squirrel to the other.  
  
"Yea! I heard that Playstation and Sega were planning an attack on us!" The other said.  
  
"Sega's with us you dope!" Said the third one.  
  
"No no, It's Playstation against Sega."  
  
"They're all against us!"  
  
"It's also Microsoft!"  
  
"So what else is new?"  
  
"I heard someone planted a bomb in Playstation headquarters and blamed it on us!"  
  
"Wait a minute, I heard Sega did that, then blamed it on us."  
  
"I said Sega's with US!"  
  
"What the heck are you talking about?" Said Conker.  
  
The all three looked at him, and all tried to talk at once. Conker raised both hands to silence them.  
  
"Whoa. Hold on there. One at a time please. Let's start with… you."  
  
"Well, rumor has it that Playstation is planning something big."  
  
"Yea, and Microsoft has something to do with that."  
  
"No, it was SEGA!"  
  
"Sega's with us!"  
  
The three start arguing again. Conker shakes his head and walks over to the bartender.  
  
"How's it going?" he said. "Maybe you could explain what's going on here today, I just came in and everyone's going crazy over something."  
  
"Aye," said the bartender. "Rumors an tales of the other companies plottin' 'gainst us. I didn' believe it myself until everyone was talkin' bout it. I don' know which is correct, but all I could say is that something happened ter Playstation an Microsoft. Didja hear that Playstation characters were caught prowling the Mushroom Kingdom?"  
  
"No. Really?!" said Conker. "Who was it? Did they catch em?"  
  
"I don' know. I heard they were arrested and taken back."  
  
"Is the Princess ok?"  
  
"No, actually."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Well, it wasn' those characters. She's gone missin' for a couple of days already. Nobody knows how or why she's gone. She just walked out all funny like, mumblin' about seeing Mario, and never came back."  
  
"I see, and nobody believes it's Bowser again?"  
  
"No. How could 'e? The day she went missin' was the same day Bowser was injured. He's in one of them full body casts now."  
  
"That's very strange. Bowser doesn't bruise easily. I wonder what could have done such a thing… This is bad, what are we going to do about it? Scotch please, no ice."  
  
"Who knows? It's too early to tell."  
  
The bartender goes to get Conker's scotch. He turns around and serves Conker his pint as he sits back. The bartender serves Conker his drink, and Conker sips it as he thinks to himself.  
  
What could we do? I mean we've always been rivals to Playstation, but we've never attacked them like that. What could cause them to get so upset? And who's that over there?  
  
He notices a woman there, a tall, attractive, blonde woman who looks as though she's seen better days.  
  
She definitely doesn't fit in this picture. She's probably the only human here for miles. I wonder where she came from?  
  
"Bartender, who's that over there?"  
  
"Who, soldier in drag, or the hooded skeleton person?"  
  
"No no, the blonde over there in the corner."  
  
"That would be the man in drag."  
  
"No! I mean the human behind him."  
  
"Oh, I see. Funny, I never noticed 'er there"  
  
His curiosity got the best of him, and decided to see who it was. He carried his glass over to her table and asked her if he could sit with her. She smiled weakly and offered him a chair. For the longest time they sat in an awkward silence. She finally broke the silence with a loud belch.  
  
"Excuse me." she said.  
  
"You're excused." he said with a smile.  
  
"Conker isn't it?" she said.  
  
"Yea, you know me?"  
  
She smiled again, and winked. "Of course I do. I'm surprised you don't recognize me… Then again, no one here recognizes me."  
  
He looked at her, and looked again. No light bulb clicked in his mind. He thought about where's the last time he saw blonde women. He could only think of a few times, but most of them didn't happen to be human. He thought it would be ridiculous if she were from Playstation or Sega. He thought about the recent strange events, and then it finally hit him. There was no mistaking, that smile, that profile, that long hair; she had to be-  
  
"Peach?! Princess Peach?!" said Conker  
  
She gave him another smile. "Good for you, you get a golden star now." She sighed heavily and looked toward Greg the Grim Reaper, who looked pretty drunk from a countless number of empty beer bottles next to him.  
  
"What are you doing here?" he asked. "And… What happened to you?"  
  
She was very unrecognizable from the way she looked now. She was wearing some cut off jeans that were cut a little to high. Her shirt was a thin, white, semi-transparent shirt. Her hair was not in its usual style, but straight and uncombed. She had a very tired looking expression on her face, and dark circles around her eyes.  
  
"It's a long story," she said. "And it's all my fault."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"What's happening, I mean. It's all my fault."  
  
"I see, but what brings you here though?"  
  
"Like I said, it's a long story," she said with another sigh. She obviously didn't feel like talking about it at the moment. But it didn't stop him from asking anyway.  
  
"Do you wanna talk about it?" he asked.  
  
She looked back towards him and said, "Maybe. If you can buy me a drink?"  
  
He never figured her as a drinker, but kindly obliged. He ordered a bottle of single malt scotch, and paid the waiter for it. The waiter brought them the bottle and 2 shot glasses. Conker poured her a glass, and then one for himself. She thanked him, and grabbed the entire bottle and drank from it. She chugged the entire bottle without a problem, which made Conker choke on his serving. She burped again.  
  
"WOW! Are you ok?" He asked with his eyes wide open.  
  
"Yeah," she said. "Why?"  
  
"Err… Nothing, nothing at all."  
  
"So," she said. "Which version do you want to hear, the long one or short?"  
  
"Let's not get into details, so how about the short one?"  
  
"Ok," she said with another smile. "Well something happened at home, I got lost and ended up doing a lot of stuff, and upset a lot of people, and here I am."  
  
He looked at her expecting more, but she said nothing. "That's it?" he asked as he raised one eyebrow.  
  
"Yep, that's the short version of it," she said.  
  
Is she really that dim?  
  
"Ok, that's cleared up with me," he said sarcastically. "How about the longer version? Maybe we should get into details."  
  
She thought for a moment, and then said, "Fine, only if you've got the time to spare for it. Because I'm telling you now, it's a loooong story."  
  
He didn't mind at all a long story. In fact, he had nothing else better to do besides getting drunk and purging at home. This seemed like more of a treat anyway. "Go ahead, I don't mind," he said.  
  
"Right," she said. Her face looked slightly brighter as she smiled again. "Now, where to start? I guess the beginning," She had the expression like she was thinking again. "Humm… now that I think about it, the beginning started at home."  
  
"Well it doesn't matter where, just start wherever," said Conker.  
  
"Ok, how about the end?"  
  
"What?! You know what I meant."  
  
She laughed mischievously, and he knew she was fooling around. She obviously likes to tease, and he took it in mind now that she's been playing with him. She took the glass that he had served to her, and drank it in one gulp. She then cleared her throat and began to tell her story… 


	2. The Bad Shrooms

Chapter 2  
  
1.1 The Bad Shrooms  
  
If I remember correctly, it started at home. I haven't been home in such a long time. This happened because of one bad employee of mine, a person who never should have gotten hired in the first place. His name is Watoad. He was hired as a guard at first, but was demoted because he kept sleeping on the job. I demoted him personally to a cook. The poor bastard always seemed to get upset at the slightest things. For example he would get mad if someone told him to get back to work, stop sleeping, stop stealing, and all other sorts of things. I don't know why we kept this guy, I guess because we were shorthanded.  
  
Recently, I found out this guy belonged to a mafia group called the "Wa"s. The Was are a bunch of guys with the word Wa in front of their names. Wario's real name is Don Wario. But I'll tell you all about that later.  
  
One day, I ordered a pizza from the kitchen, and that's where he lost his temper completely. He did something to me that I won't forget.  
  
* * *  
  
"HEY WATOAD!" said the mushroom servant. "Get yer lazy ass up! Peach wants a pizza pie PRONTO!"  
  
Watoad woke with a start, and then cursed under his breath. There were hardly times where he had nothing to do except sleep and dream. He was having a nice dream too, one with lots of money, women, and power. These were the only times he had to himself, and the servant had destroyed it. What did he care if Peach was hungry? Let her starve for all he cared.  
  
Then again, she could do with some meat on 'er. That skinny bitch. Always freakin' wining at me; Watoad do this, Watoad do that, Watoad stop stealing from us, Watoad stop trying to kill Toad. Nag Nag Nag. That's all she ever freakin' does. Freakin' useless without her servants and guards. Always getting kidnapped and having freakin' Mario freakin' saving her sorry ass. Well this is the last straw. She woke me out of a good dream, so I'll be her worst nightmare. She'll be sorry she ever crossed me. Dumb broad. It's like she expects me to WORK in this job, sheesh.  
  
He'd go make her a pie all right. He'd make her a special pie. One of the special "Wa" Pies. He'd add the special mushroom toppings, the ones that he'd been saving for himself but figured this to be more important.  
  
As he got to the kitchen, the aroma of tomato sauce brewing overwhelmed him. He knew they were already starting on the pizza. There was Jenkins, the head chef, flipping the crust, Donald grading the cheese, Julian making the special herb and 4 cheese sauce, and wimpy Karl with a stutter working on toppings. He'd go have a talk with Karl.  
  
"Hey turd-face, I'll take it from here." He said with an malicious smile.  
  
"W-What did you s-say to-to m-me?" said Karl.  
  
"You heard me shit-head, now move it."  
  
"H-Hey, I-I could r-report y-you"  
  
"You wanna end up in that pizza as a topping?" said Watoad. Karl was shaking, and moved over. Karl knew better than to mess with him. He also knew about his group, the "Wa"s. The only reason he needed this job was for his gang's easy access to the castle. "Go get the drink before I freakin' make you into one."  
  
Karl did as he was told with his head hanging low. Watoad smirked as he watched him walk off. It always made him feel good to bully someone around, especially when they were as weak as Karl was. He felt in a better mood now.  
  
Under every mushroom person's cap they carry things they need, such as: money, tools, clothes, and food. In his case, he usually carried weapons, drugs, booze, and porn. He searched around his cap for the right ingredients to his special pizza. He found his stash of magic mushrooms, and replaced the normal ones with these. He laughed to himself, and wondered why he hadn't done this sooner.  
  
She's a bitch, and she deserves it. Freakin' making me work and all. This'll knock all that spunk out of her. Yea, I think now I'll take a 5- hour break.  
  
Everyone was done with their part, and the pizza was put in the oven. The smell was wonderful with the combination of the homemade crust, sauce, and cheese. The chef wondered if perhaps they added to many mushrooms because of the strong smell. Watoad wasn't worried though; they don't usually start things over for a little thing like that. What annoyed him was when the head chef thought the food, quote unquote, wasn't good enough. He could remember working on the same stupid meal three times. Peach was so upset about that. Dinner parties were the worst though. Everything was so hectic around the castle, it made sleeping impossible. During dinner parties he usually tried to hide around the castle and smoke a cigarette.  
  
This thought made him almost kick himself that he didn't do it during a big dinner party. That would surely ruin her reputation. But it didn't matter, because he's quitting in a couple of days anyway. All he would have to do is sit back and watch the fiasco.  
  
* * *  
  
I was bored and decided to start playing a match Star Fox with some of the guards. I know they have their duties to make me happy, but letting me win all the time takes the fun out of the game.  
  
"Guys," I said. "How do think I'll ever get good at this if you don't try?"  
  
"Oh your majesty, but we are trying! We're trying our hardest!" He said in that unconvincing kind of way. "Aren't we guys?"  
  
The other two nodded with their big, unconvincing smiles. They were always like this around me. Just once I wish I could have played a real game with them, but it's their duty to do stuff like that. These were the same people that taught me how to play Poker. It seems as though having 2 pair beats a royal flush on Tuesdays. Having a straight means having the cards 3, ace, 5, 8, and that card with the instructions on it. And the guard who dared say he won disappears forever.  
  
There was a knock on the door, and the closest guard answered it. A servant walked in with a tray in his hands, and a towel hanging on his arm. The guards decided to leave me to eat, each with the same stupid grin on their face as they left. I sat at a small table in the corner of my room while the servant placed the tray with the pizza down in front of me. He gave me my lemonade, and utensils to eat with. I put a napkin on my lap, and the utensils on the side of the dish.  
  
"Anything else, your highness?" he asked.  
  
"No, that's it. You can go now." I said with a smile.  
  
He bowed and left the room. Instantly, I threw the utensils and tray aside, wrapped the little pizza up taco style, grabbed my drink, and jumped on my bed with it all. They expect me to be proper all the time, but I never do when I don't have to. I placed the drink on the bedside table, and grabbed the remote so I could watch some TV. I was watching my favorite comedy show, "The Young, dumb, and ugly," starring Bowser and friends. It wasn't until 10 minutes into the show when I started to feel weird. It was during a commercial selling dehydrated water that I had to get up and walk around a little. It felt different to walk around though. I needed to let someone know that I was felling sick, so I left my room and looked down the hall. The hall was long, even longer than usual. It looked as though it extended out into forever.  
  
As I walked down the endless hall, I noticed one of my guards looking at me. He said something in an echo," Are you ok?"  
  
I shook my head somehow, and I think he saw me say yes. But I wasn't ok. I needed a doctor badly. I remembered Mario was some sort of a doctor. He didn't have his PHD, nor did he have any real doctor experience. In fact, I thought he was a quack doctor, but at the moment I didn't care. I told the guard, "Going to see Mario." I looked where he was again and saw the staircase. I looked back, and saw the walls melting behind me, and decided to go down.  
  
From there and on, it was a blur. Apparently I walked out of the castle, and to the garden. By then, I was hallucinating badly. I saw the flower patch as a big patch of fire. I blacked out from there and on. All I know is that I walked for several miles.  
  
I finally woke up again hours later. I was still under the influence though, so I was seeing things around me. The very first thing I saw in front of me was Bowser's castle. It looked like a sugar coated candy castle, so I decided to go in it.  
  
The drawbridge was up and there was no way in, except for a little receiver sticking out of the ground. The receiver looked like a carved Bowser head with a little button on it's eye. I walked over and poked his eye. It had a little speaker in it's mouth and said," OOOOOWW! Hey! Don't do that… No body is allowed in my castle… unless you can answer this riddle that has baffled the minds of many a genius!"  
  
"Fine," I said, "Do your worst."  
  
"Mua ha ha ha ha!" he said," Here it is… Are you a bad guy? Press my left eye for yes, or my right eye for no."  
  
I didn't know what to say. I just poked both eyes out.  
  
"OOOOOOWW! Hey that was pretty evil! Come right in!" he said as the drawbridge lowered.  
  
The bridge looked like a giant candy cane, but it was probably just me. I walked across to meat the armored turtle guards, who looked like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. They looked at me strangely, then looked at each other.  
  
"Umm… Were we scheduled a kidnapping today?" one asked the other.  
  
"Nope, none that I heard of. What the hell are you doing here then?"  
  
I decided to play around with them," Yeah, there's a kidnapping today! Bowser called me and said 'hey, you wanna get kidnapped?' and I says 'sure, I'll be right over!' So here I am! Now lemme in!" I must have sounded pretty stupid to them, because they started laughing at me. I didn't like that, so I made up something else.  
  
"He also was sayin' stuff about… err… secret project XB3200 with a cherry on top."  
  
The immediately stopped laughing and looked at me seriously. They looked pretty shocked. The one on the left replied," How do you know about secret project XB3200 with a cherry on top?!"  
  
"Perhaps," said the other, "Bowser did call her after all… Ok, come in. And use this. Nothing will attack you with this on."  
  
He gave me a tourist pass to wear around my neck.  
  
"That's right. You'd BETTER give me that pass," I said, still sounding messed up.  
  
I walked in, and caught a bad case of hallucinations again. It was all blurry what happened from there.  
  
* * *  
  
Redecorating the castle was always a pain for Bowser. He hated the fact that he had to design his castle over and over again to try and stop Mario from rescuing Peach all the time. He had a different idea this time though.  
  
Trick stairs! It almost worked once with him, but this time it won't fail! This time, I'll have the key to the stairs! No one else but me! I'd like to see him go up these stairs now! He'll keep climbing and climbing forever, and never reach the top! Mua ha ha ha! I'm so bad it surprises even me sometimes.  
  
There was 2 Koopa Troopas next to him, and magi-Koopa was finishing up the spell on the stairs.  
  
"Well all done." Said Magi-Koopa.  
  
"Ha ha, good," Said Bowser. "Mario doesn't stand a chance! And even if he does make it upstairs, you need a separate key to go down too! He'll be stuck up here going downstairs FOREVER! Mua ha ha ha!"  
  
"Excuse me sir," Said the green shelled Koopa Troopa, "But what if he finds out about the employee service elevator?"  
  
"SHAAADAAAPP!" yelled Bowser. If there was one thing he hated, it was being corrected.  
  
He couldn't wait for the other devices to get set up. Then he could kidnap the princess, and finally defeat Mario. Things were looking up for him today. He was in such a good mood, he forgot to scold the Koopa Troopa for stepping on his foot on accident. He was so happy he almost didn't notice someone using the stairs.  
  
"Oh! Look at that! Someone's using the stairs! Must be someone who doesn't know to use the elevator. Ha ha. I wanna see this."  
  
They watched and waited for a moment. Then, a figure appeared wobbly walking up the stairs. Bowser stepped closer to see who it was. He looked, and his jaw dropped and his eyes bulged.  
  
* * *  
  
"WHAT THE-" said Bowser. "What is she doing HERE! And more importantly, HOW DID YOU GET UP THESE STAIRS!" He looked angrily at Magi-Koopa.  
  
"But," said Magi-Koopa. "Sir, my magic is full-proof! I didn't slip up! Honest!"  
  
I laughed as Bowser started to yell again at Magi-Koopa. I hallucinated again and saw him as a giant smiling flower. I interrupted him by laughing and pointing at him.  
  
"WHAT'S SO FUNNY?!" He yelled.  
  
"Oh, nothing Mr. Sugar Prissy Flower Man." I said.  
  
"HUA? How did you know my internet name?!" he said.  
  
"Don't know. But I did find this." I said as I pulled out 3 things out of my pocket: 2 keys, and a map.  
  
"THOSE ARE MINE! HOW-DID-YOU-GET-THOSE?!" he said.  
  
"Well, silly flower," I said. "I was looking around and stuff. I'm kind of sick now, so I threw up on that big statue of you in this weird room. I saw a treasure chest out in the open. It was sparkling!"  
  
"Note to self, no more treasure chests, and don't make key items sparkle." said Bowser.  
  
"Yep, don't do that now," I giggled. "So, I found these weird thingies, the keys say…'key to trick stairs up', the other says 'down'. This map has key points and weaknesses in the castle. OOOH! Even secret treasure rooms!"  
  
Bowser slapped his hand to his forehead, and then shook his head and said," Aarg. Who's bright idea was it to put key items where good guys could get them?"  
  
"I think it was yours sir." Said Magi-Koopa.  
  
Instantly, Bowser grabbed him by his head and tossed him out the window, sending him flying in the distance.  
  
"Actually I think he was right," Said Bowser, coolly. "Anyway Peach, hand it over."  
  
"No." I said as I stuck out my tongue at him. He was getting mad, but to me he looked like a big happy flower, just getting happier.  
  
"GIVE ME THOSE NOW!" he yelled.  
  
I thought the flower said to throw it now, so I said," Ok! Go fetch!" Then threw all of it down the stairs.  
  
"NO!!" he yelled as he lunged at them down the stairs. "AAAAAHH!! OW OW OW OOOHH! OOW WOW OW!"  
  
He was painfully tumbling down the stairs, landing wrong with each step. The Koopa Troopas calmly looked down the stairs, and smirked. The one with the green shell said," Maybe we should get some help?"  
  
"Na," said the other with the blue shell. "Let's just wait until the f*cker hits the floor, we can't do anything from here."  
  
So we all sat there for almost an hour. I sat back and enjoyed tasting the colors of the wall, while they chatted a while. They looked down the stairs again.  
  
"Humm, doesn't look like he's stopped. Doesn't look like he's gonna hit the floor either. So maybe the stairs really do go forever.," said the green shelled one.  
  
"Na, it's gotta hit the floor sometime. We'll give it another hour."  
  
"Are ya sure? Sounds painful."  
  
"Yea, what could we do anyway? Besides, the f*cker deserves it."  
  
"Yea, you're right."  
  
I was starting to feel a little better now. I actually saw them as turtles now instead of turds. I asked the Blue shell one," Hey, I'm getting bored, how do I get home from here?"  
  
"Ah," he said. "Use the service elevator to get to the 4th floor, it's down the hall, take two rights, and you can't miss it. Then keep going, and take another right to get to the turret room, take it to get in the cannon room, tell em Yurtle sent ya. You'll get a free ride home."  
  
"Thanks." I said.  
  
["Wait a sec!" said Conker]  
  
* * *  
  
He didn't know where to begin on how much BS that story was. Conker couldn't believe that they'd just let her walk around like that. It just didn't make any sense.  
  
"Are you sure you're not messed up now? I mean come on. Those guys wouldn't act like that." He said.  
  
She gave him a patronizing look, and said," Well buddy, you tell me how much you know about Bowser's troops."  
  
"Well," he said. "Enough to know that that wouldn't happen!"  
  
"Yea… right." She said. " You wanna know the truth then? I know them over there. They're all good friends of mine. All except Bowser."  
  
"When did this happen?"  
  
"A long time ago. Around the time when Bowser first kidnapped me."  
  
"Humm… why do I feel a different story coming on?"  
  
She smiled, and said, "Well, I guess I should just give it to you in a nutshell," she said as she looked up like she was thinking. "Ok, when I was first kidnapped, I was very upset. I cried my eyes out. Then a Koopa Troopa looked at me and asked if I had any money. I asked why, and he asked if I wanted to play poker with some of the guys. I had nothing else better to do, to keep my mind occupied, so I said yes. As it turns out, they found out I sucked at poker, so they taught me some tricks. We played poker, drank booze, and had such a blast, that when Mario came, I was a bit disappointed. I promised them I'd go back, and bring more money, so they told me to make this,"  
  
She reached inside one of her pockets and pulled out a paper sign with the words," Kidnap Me" written on the back. Conker looked at it, then raised his eyebrow. He didn't know what to say about that. But a few thoughts crossed his mind.  
  
"So lemme get this straight… You get kidnapped to play poker and drink beer with Bowser's troops; you use a "Kidnap Me" sign and put it on your back; Bowser sees the sign and has the urge to kidnap you. Then you go have a blast at Bowser's castle, while poor Mario does all that hard work to get you out."  
  
She frowned a bit, and said," You make it sound like a bad thing. Anyway, it keeps Mario on his toes. Hey, if I didn't give him that kind of exercise, he'd be the "Good Year" blimp. You should see how much he eats and doesn't exercise ( I do the same, but that's not the point). We all get what we want in some way; I play poker and drink with my buddies, Bowser gets to fight his nemesis, and Mario gets some exercise. See? We're all happy."  
  
Conker frowned as well, then said," And does Mario know about your little poker games, and beer drinking?"  
  
"Ha!" she said. "He wouldn't try nearly as hard as he does if he knew."  
  
"That's mean."  
  
"No way, I'm doing him a favor."  
  
In a way, Conker thought it wasn't nice of her to do that. But when he thought about it, he had done similar things to Berri before. He'd lied to her before, just to stay and have fun at the bar. But he wasn't about to tell her about that and have her shove it in his face. Instead, he shook his head and said," Ok, so everyone's happy. That's great. How about we get back to the real story?"  
  
"Sounds good," She said. She cleared her throat, and looked up as if she were thinking. "Where was I? Oh yea, going to the cannon room."  
  
* * *  
  
I did as the Koopa troopa had told me to and took the path to the cannon room. Took two rights on the corner, and went to the service elevator. I went all the way to the 4th floor, and took another right at the corner. Along the way I encountered a couple buddies of mine and arranged our next game. When they left I found the turret room. There was a spiral staircase that led all the way to the top of the turret. There was a trapdoor above me that was labeled "Cannon Room", so I pushed it open. The room was full of cannons on all sides of the circular room. Windows covered all directions, and each window had one cannon sticking out. There was a little bench in the middle of the room with a note on it. The note read: "On Break. Gotta smoke a cig'. –Bob-omb  
  
Now you gotta question the fact that this is Bowser in charge. What kind of a moron puts a walking, exploding, kamikaze, with a short fuse in charge of artillery? Why in the world would you put a bomb in charge of explosives? And this bomb happened to be a smoker.  
  
In the distance I heard a small explosion, and guessed this bomb has his last smoke. Now I had no one to guide me in this. I was guessing it wasn't as hard as it looked, you just point and shoot. Hallucinating had messed up my sense of direction, so I had to pick a cannon "enne meenie minee moe" style.  
  
I lit the fuse and hopped inside one quick.  
  
BOOM  
  
I shot off into the sky like Magi-Koopa did when Bowser tossed him. It was a wonderful feeling to be soaring through the air. While I was hallucinating I felt like I was flying, but this was the real thing though, and there's nothing like the real thing. I decided to close my eyes and enjoy the flight. I opened it a few seconds later when I thought about how I was going to land. Funny how it didn't hit me until now. I panicked, and then remembered I knew a few magic tricks. My most famous one was hovering. I stopped freefalling and was hovering forward for a while.  
  
Silly me though, I forgot how short my hovering was, and dropped again. I looked around, and saw that I was falling toward some sort of ranch. I tried hovering again to gain some control over the fall, and it apparently worked for a bit. I aimed myself at this large haystack.  
  
My aim was pretty bad, because I missed it, and hit the nasty mud in the pigpen. I'm lucky it was fresh; otherwise I would have broken something. Instead, I was knocked out for a bit.  
  
I woke up with a nasty jolt. Mainly because it smelled so nasty inside this pigpen. I was covered in the mud and crap, and smelled just as bad. But that wasn't the worst thing that happened there. 


	3. Plots of Evil

Chapter 3  
  
Plots of Evil  
  
"It's all ready boss, just like you ordered." Said Bryan, who had been dubbed as Evil Henchmen Number 137.  
  
"Very good number… er…" The boss said.  
  
"137."  
  
"Ah yes. Number 137. Good work," the boss said. "Final destination is now under our control. I trust the hand has been taken care of?"  
  
"Yes boss. We gave him the giant yo-yo, and it successfully tied him up."  
  
"Excellent Number 137. Now she has no escape. And all of my men are standing by," The boss said. "The assassination will take place this night. Slowly, we'll take the rest of them down. And then we'll take our rightful place in Nintendo."  
  
Bryan thought for a moment, then asked," Boss, why are you repeating the plan over again?"  
  
"SHUT UP! That's why!" the boss said. And that was that. Bryan was dismissed.  
  
The time for action was now. To many times had the boss had to suffer humiliation because of her. All the e-mail, flames, and all the jokes were too much. Payback, it was always a b**ch.  
  
That meddler. Peach. She was finally going to pay. The plan is set. Assassination, then make it look like someone else did it. It was full proof. By nightfall she'll be dead in her sleep. And no one will be any wiser. He he… Damn it's hot in this evil dungeon. Note to self, build air conditioner in evil dungeon. I need a glass of water… Ah never mind, I'm outta here.  
  
* * *  
  
I tried to stand, but my body was aching from the fall. As I moved, I sunk deeper in the pig crap. It was pointless to try and move at the moment, so I decided to wait and recover.  
  
Just then, something strange was falling from the sky. It was bright and twinkling, and heading down fast; so fast, I had to move out of the way when it landed. It splashed mud all over my face as it cratered. I looked over to the crater to see a shining star. The star had a face, and I immediately knew what it was.  
  
This was a Star Kid, from Star Road. They live up in the heavens granting people's wishes. This one though was only a child, and it's powers are very weak. It sprang up from the mud and shook itself off, making me even messier.  
  
"Hey, stop that!" I said  
  
"Oh, I'm sorry!" he said as it started to sparkle. "Hello Peach, I'm Sparky from Star Road! I've been sent here to help you!"  
  
"Oh, good. So, those guys in Star Road are finally doing their job eh? You know, they've been lazy for a while now. I've wished for a moss covered, three handled, family gredunzer for the longest time, and still nothing."  
  
"Err…" he said as he started to think. "That's right, there's a waiting list for those. Besides, that's not why I'm here. We saw you walking into Bowser's castle, and got a little worried. So, the big guys sent me after you."  
  
"Sheesh, why didn't they come themselves? Too lazy I bet."  
  
"No, it's just that," he said as he looked away from me. "Well, they say we have to get our Star points by doing good deeds. The more star points, the better our power is. We can grant proper wishes with enough star points. So basically, they send the weakest stars out to get points."  
  
"I see," I said. "Well that's comforting to know that I have the weakest of the weak."  
  
"Hey!" he said. "I'll have you know that I'm stronger than most of my brothers!"  
  
"Oh, which ones?"  
  
"Twinkle, Sparkle, Razzly, Shimmer, Glow, and Bob (He became an accountant, so we don't talk about him much)."  
  
"Ok ok," I said. "I'm sorry about that, I'm not exactly in the best of moods now. I'm glad you came." I shook his hand, or the point where there was suppose to be a hand.  
  
"Alright, I'll be here if you need me." He said as he shrunk a bit, and went into my pocket.  
  
It didn't seem too bad now. Until finally, I stood up, and in the distance, I saw some riders coming towards me. I couldn't make out who it was, but there were 4 of them. As they came closer, they started to look familiar. I definitely didn't want to be seen like this by anyone, so I decided to duck behind the steel fence. The riders stopped nearby, and started to talk. I immediately recognized the voices, and almost panicked.  
  
"And I should know," said Daisy. "Because I've ridden a lot of horses."  
  
"She's the one who's been ridden the most though." Whispered Zelda to Malon, as they both giggled.  
  
This was indeed the worst thing that happened today. Here I was, covered in filth and bruised up, in front of the last people I'd like to see.  
  
"But I'd have to say," She said as she dismounted. "That these horses are the best I've ever seen. Hey Link, you promised that I could ride Epona. Lemme ride!"  
  
"Sure," He said as he dismounted from Epona. "Malon, when did you get the pigs?"  
  
"Oh, that's something my dad built a while back. He's always complaining about the shortage of ham and bacon, so we built our own."  
  
"Ahem…" said Zelda.  
  
"Oh, Sorry." Said Malon  
  
Obviously, Zelda didn't like to talk about the flaws of her kingdom. As a matter of fact, I hated that part of her. She's too serious and uptight about things. She's probably the biggest perfectionist I know.  
  
She beckoned for Daisy to follow her, and they separated from Malon and Link.  
  
"So anyway," said Daisy "Why really are you being so nice all of a sudden? I thought you hated me."  
  
Zelda laughed and said calmly," Oh no no dear. I never said I hated you. On the contrary, I'd rather have you as a friend."  
  
"Really?" she said. She raised her eyebrows and asked," Why?"  
  
"Well let's put it this way…I've never had anything against you. Never. But there was an individual who likes to cause trouble. I'm assuming you hate her as well? It's Peach."  
  
"Oh yea," She said as she put on a mean looking face. "She really pisses me off. OOH! She makes me soooo mad! Her and her stupid pranks. You know what she did to me a week ago?!"  
  
"No, tell." Said Zelda  
  
"She sent her little toad buddy to put this sign on my back that said, 'kidnap me'. Then a minute later, Bowser comes swooping in and kidnaps me!"  
  
"Oh no! What happened then? Didn't someone save you?"  
  
She looked down a bit and said," No. And it was because of what Peach did."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She gave all the local heroes Wrestlemania tickets! Can you imagine that?! She waits until Wrestlemania, then gives all the heroes tickets! It was humiliating… Bowser got tired of waiting, and threw me out I had to walk home in the rain, and got all muddy."  
  
Zelda had a strange expression on her face, because she was trying to hold back laughing. "That's awful! No wonder Link had tickets… If I'd have known, Link could have came. You see what I mean? She's a meddler. Last week she also had her little toad buddies plant weeds in my flower garden… uugh, it was awful work getting them out. Oh, and she also had one of those disgusting Monty Mole creatures dig a hole into the underground spring below the castle… the hole ended up flooding the whole downstairs."  
  
Call me a prankster, if you will. I do have my mischievous side. But she didn't even mention the time I fed a bunch of pigeons and they flew and perched on her castle. Now that was a mess to clean. I was having trouble not laughing out loud, because I can remember so many pranks that I pulled on them.  
  
"She needs to be taught a lesson," said Zelda " She needs to understand that she can't mess with us. I don't need 2 enemies, so I suggest a truce. We'll double team on her instead."  
  
Daisy thought for a moment, then smiled. "Humm… revenge. Sounds sweet. Yes, let's be friends." She said as she shook Zelda's hand. "So I guess this means we've got some planning to do?"  
  
Zelda shook her head, and said," No no, I already have a plan. It may seem a bit… wrong… but you'll appreciate it. She really deserves this. I hope you'll understand."  
  
"Anything, I don't care, I hate her guts. Oooh.. it makes me mad to think about her. I hate every little bit of her, right down to those disgusting sideburns of hers…whatever it is, I'll do it."  
  
I clenched my fists as I heard them talking about me. I hated when people made fun of my hair, especially since I put so much time into doing it.  
  
"Excellent!" said Zelda. "By this time tonight, revenge will be ours. Just ask your father if you can stay tonight. We'll have to discuss the plan in private."  
  
I was just about ready to get up and kick the living s*it out of them both. Just then, a bunch of pigs came my way. I started to wave my hands at them to shoo them away. But they came closer and started sniffing me. I tried to push a couple off, but they were too heavy. "Sparky." I whispered quietly.  
  
He poked his head out, and looked at the problem. He then whispered back," Well, make a wish."  
  
"Ok," I whispered "I wish they'd all go away."  
  
He sparkled a bit then made a little flash. Instantly, the pigs scrambled around, squealing bloody murder. They were so wild, one broke out of the cage, and another somehow sprouted wings and flew away. One went so fast, it knocked over the fence entirely, and knocked Link's horse completely over. He fell off and landed hard on his butt. Another one zoomed by Malon's horse, and it spooked it so bad, it took off with Malon holding on tightly.  
  
"What did you do?!" I said to Sparky.  
  
"I um…" he said, as he was looking nervous. "Like I told you, I'm not that powerful yet… so let's just call that… oops?"  
  
I slapped my hand to my forehead as I looked around. I was now in plain view of Daisy and Zelda. But they weren't looking my way, they were tending to Link at the moment. I slowly tiptoed away, then fell back in the mud. Link turned my way, and pointed at me. Zelda and Daisy both looked at me now. They stared at me for a moment, then at the same time, they both had an expression on their face like Christmas had come early. They both walked over to me, Link trailing behind them. They stood there looking down at me with the most devilish looking smiles. Zelda, with her arms crossed, and Daisy with one arm on her hip, both started laughing a snooty superior kind of laugh.  
  
"Well?" she said to Link. "What are you waiting for? Laugh!"  
  
"Oh yea!" he said as he joined in on the laughing.  
  
"Where's a camera when you need it?!" said Daisy.  
  
They didn't stop laughing for the longest time. Malon finally got her horse under control and approached them  
  
"So that's who scared the pigs!" said Malon as she approached  
  
"Well ugly can do that sometimes." said Zelda. "Not to mention the stench, it scares even the most filthiest pigs away, and that's saying something."  
  
"So Peach, you finally realized where your kingdom really is eh? It suits you, really it does." Said Daisy  
  
"Ha! Hey Malon!" said Zelda. " Go get my dad at the barn. I'm sure he'd like to see the new kingdom that sprung up."  
  
Malon left, with a disapproving look on her face.  
  
"So where's your crown now princess nothing?" said Zelda.  
  
I wasn't going to sit here and take that. I grabbed a clump of mud in my hands, then quickly lobbed it at Zelda's face. It smacked her right in her mouth as she was laughing.  
  
"You little B**ch!" she said yelled to me. She then lunged at me, and we started fighting in the mud. I managed to shove her off, in time to throw another wad of mud at Daisy. She then came after me as well. It turned into a 2 on 1 mud-wrestling match. We got covered in mud, and started the brawl.  
  
Zelda wasn't much of a fighter, she relied on her magic to help her, and Daisy obviously didn't know how to fight well, but she was awfully strong. She gave me a hard shove off Zelda. Zelda got up and tried to jump on top of me, but I held out my legs, and flipped her over. I got up and Daisy bowled me over again. She was on top, punching me. I then desperately did a hard punch back in the nose, and she got off stunned. Zelda came from behind and clubbed me. I was on my knees, and she was hitting my back. I quickly grabbed her ankle and pulled her over. Still holding on to her ankle, I started to twist it around. She started yelling, then Daisy got up, her nose all bloody, and I let go to get Daisy. She came at me ready to hit, but I was also ready. She punched at me, and I grabbed her fist, pulled her hard, twisted her wrist, and then gave her a hard elbow to the chest. I walked back over to Zelda and continued to submission her. Zelda called out as I put her in a headlock. "Link! Help me!"  
  
Link did nothing but stare wide eyed with the happiest expression on his face. Hey, it wasn't often you get to see women mud wrestling around these parts.  
  
Zelda was getting frustrated now. She used her free hand to cast some sort of fire spell. It caught the bottom of my dress on fire, and I had to get down and roll to put it out. They both took advantage of it by jumping on me. Then suddenly we heard a deep and stern voice-  
  
"ZELDA!" said the voice.  
  
They both immediately stopped fighting me, and got up.  
  
I looked up and saw the King of Hyrule, flanked by 4 guards, sitting gallantly on their horses.  
  
"Oh… hi dad." She said nervously. "So, you liked our little act here? It was something we uh… planned for… Daisy, why were we doing this?"  
  
"We uh… were just playing."  
  
"Yea dad, just playing!"  
  
He looked at them both, bruised and beaten, then looked at me. "My word! Is that Princess Peach?"  
  
I stood up, and had an idea. If I was correct, all he had seen was both of them on top of me punching. I then pretended to cry and said," They hit me…They said it's what I deserve… They've always hated me. They even dragged me out here and beat me up!" That was a lie, because they looked more beaten than I did.  
  
"THAT'S A LIE!" said Zelda. "Dad, don't listen to her, she's nuts!"  
  
"Oh yea?" I said as I thought up a story. "Than what's the big idea of sending that invitation to me? That's right, you said we'd ride horses together, and instead you bring Daisy to beat me up! You're both horrible people!"  
  
"NO, Dad, don't listen!"  
  
"Fine then, Zelda why don't you explain how she got here?"  
  
"I don't know! She was just there in the mud!"  
  
"I see… very likely that the Princess of the Mushroom kingdom should suddenly appear in the mud hole for no reason." He said sarcastically. "Zelda, fighting again are we? Humm… young lady, I'm afraid I'm going to have to severely punish you for this."  
  
"But dad-"  
  
"No buts. You will be punished for this," he said. He thought for a moment, then said," Ah ha! Your punishment will be… No desert for the rest of the week!"  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOO!" yelled Zelda. "Please father! Not that! Anything but that!"  
  
"Yes, that! And I'm going to be watching you too. You're not getting any midnight snacks, or sneaking food to your room."  
  
Zelda started to pout. I was shocked that this was the only thing he was doing. It was no wonder she got to be so spoiled. If it were me, I'd be locked in my room forever. No TV, no games, and no friends. Heck I can remember being punished like that. That's why I'll never ever get caught for pranks anymore. I'm very careful now.  
  
He looked to Daisy and said," Daisy, your father has already reached the castle for the Banquet tonight. He will be informed of these events."  
  
Daisy lowered her head, and started pouting too. He looked at me, then said," Peach, I'm terribly sorry you had to go threw with that. Please, come to my castle and we'll get you freshened up. I'm sure Zelda won't mind lending you some of her clothes."  
  
Zelda's jaw dropped open, and she was about to complain, but her father said," And you will give her your best. Or else you can forget next week too."  
  
She crossed her arms and looked as if she was about to cry. She always looked so stubborn like that. I mounted on Daisy's horse, which left her no choice but to ride uncomfortably with Zelda. The king continued to say," And when we get back, I do not want to see any fighting, name-calling, or any kind of violence from the both of you. If you so much as make a nasty face at Peach, you're really gonna be in for it. I mean it."  
  
Things were looking up as we rode back to Hyrule. Still, things aren't always what they seem here in Hyrule. 


	4. Hyrule Castle

Chapter 4  
  
Hyrule Castle  
  
We said goodbye to Malon and left the Ranch. We went in a slow trot back home. Believe it or not, Link was a pretty good conversationalist. We kept our distance from Zelda and Daisy as we talked.  
  
"Man," said Link. "Don't tell her I said this, but you were awesome back there!"  
  
I giggled and said," Thanks. I keep in practice of the arts. I get practice from my guards, who've been brainwashed to think it's cool to loose to me."  
  
"You certainly do keep up with your arts. Who taught you how to fight?" he asked.  
  
"Would you believe if I said I study Sheik's Martial Arts videos?" I said.  
  
"OH YEA! I have those! Which one's your favorite? My favorite one is 'Running with the Marshmallows'."  
  
"I like that one too. I have: 'Marshmallows, a Guide to Transcendence'; 'Waiter, There's a Marshmallow In My Soup'; 'Marshmallows for Dummies'; and 'Everything you ever wanted to know about Marshmallows, but were afraid to ask'." I said.  
  
"Cool. But guess what? For my birthday, Zelda's dad bought me the entire collection of the tapes! It's called, 'The Whole Bag of Marshmallows Trilogy'."  
  
Little did he know, but he could have had the entire set for free. Everyone knows that Zelda is Sheik, except him. I swear they could have made a movie about him called 'Shallow Link'. She once revealed herself to him about Sheik, but apparently he wasn't paying attention. She decided it was better for him not to know anyway. I did feel sorry for the poor thickheaded guy though. I mean he has Zelda for a girlfriend anyway.  
  
"Hey, did anyone find out what's with Sheik and Marshmallows?" I asked.  
  
"I'm not sure," he said. "All I know is that he likes 'em… A little too much."  
  
"Ha, I guess so." I said.  
  
He got closer to me and said," Can I tell you something? Promise not to tell Zelda?"  
  
I giggled and said," Ok, what?"  
  
He looked to see if Zelda was paying attention then whispered," I was kind of hoping you would win. You know, ripping off clothes and stuff. That would have been great!"  
  
I giggled even more and said," Don't worry, I'll do it next time. Just for you."  
  
We continued to talk all the way to the castle. Daisy and Zelda talked in private, plotting against me no doubt.  
  
As we approached the castle, I noticed a very high amount of security. Guards patrolling the perimeter, the gate looked very high tech, and cameras all over the place. I was pretty impressed with their security system, and told the king so.  
  
"This is nice. Geeze, no one's gonna get in here now. What's with all this security anyway?"  
  
"Well," said the king. "If you must know, we've been getting prowlers."  
  
"Really?" I asked  
  
"Yes. It's the same person over and over again. We don't know how he does it. But he comes in 3 times a week at night, and just leaves the castle in the morning. Even with all this security, he still comes in, and I'm wondering how he gets in."  
  
"Does he take anything?"  
  
"No, but the hoodlum starts breaking our pots. It costs a fortune to replace them! He just comes in as he pleases, and leaves, for no reason at all."  
  
I thought about it for a moment. We passed this old vine along the wall, which looked like it's been climbed on many times. I looked toward Link, and he was looking the other direction whistling, trying to act innocent. Zelda was doing the exact same thing, except with that expression on her face like she was trying not to laugh.  
  
"Yea, that is strange sir. Maybe you're just not looking in the right direction." I said as I looked straight at Link.  
  
"Maybe, but still, if word of this gets out, we could have an invasion and not even know about it. We will find this prowler, and punish him accordingly."  
  
"What? Not give him desert in jail?" I said quietly to myself.  
  
"Excuse me?" he asked.  
  
"Nothing." I said.  
  
We dismounted from the horses as we approached the outer doors of the castle. The castle didn't look like much from the outside. It looked very small in fact.  
  
We went inside the castle, and from what I saw, it looked a lot smaller from the outside. The entryway had a gothic arches extending to the tall ceiling. The floor tiles complimented the walls and ceiling nicely. There were suits of armor nicely placed at the foot of each arch, and a coat of arms in the walls between them. They definitely took more time to decorate than I did  
  
The king pointed to Zelda and said," You will take her to your room to freshen up. And I don't want to hear about any trouble you've caused."  
  
"Yes dad." she said with her head lowered.  
  
Zelda led me around the castle. We went up a long flight of stairs to the top floor. For some strange reason, there were no guards along the path we took. It was no wonder Link could sneak in so easily and have his late night Rendezvous with Zelda.  
  
She took me to her room, and closed the door quietly. She crossed her arms and said to me," Just because my dad says I have to be nice to you, doesn't mean I have to like you."  
  
"The feeling's mutual." I said in a coolly.  
  
She narrowed her eyes at me and said," Now listen here you little b**ch. Just because I can't do anything to you, doesn't mean that accident's can't happen if you know what I mean."  
  
I started looking through her drawers, and without looking up I said," But don't forget, you have a lot of secrets that I haven't revealed. You wouldn't want anything to… slip. If you know what I mean."  
  
She clenched her fists and looked down as if she were thinking it over. She didn't have anything to say about that because it's true. She opened her closet and grabbed out two dresses, and stormed off. That's when I decided to raid her closet.  
  
There was a crappy assortment of dresses in there. They were all exactly the same style, same brand, and same fabric. The only differences were that they were all different colors. I was just about to grab the pink one, when I noticed a hangar on the back of the wall. The hanger held one of the most beautiful and radiant dresses I've ever seen. It looked like mine in the style, but more like Cinderella's dress that she wore at the ball. It was a white dress laced with expensive jewelry, had a beautiful white ribbon across the abdomen, and golden triforces made of real gold outlining the bottom. This one was definitely her best, and I knew exactly what to do with this one.  
  
"Wow, are you going to wear that?" said Sparky, who had just popped out of my pocket.  
  
"Maybe," I said. "And I'm glad you came out, because I'm about to bathe and get dressed. So if you don't mind, I need some privacy please."  
  
"Oh, no problem… where should I wait?"  
  
"Outside the window there. I'll do this when I want you back." I said as I waved my hands.  
  
"Ok!" he said cheerfully as he flew out the window.  
  
I skimmed through the dresses again, and grabbed a turquoise one as well. I walked over to her private bathroom, and started the shower. I put both dresses on the counter, and undressed. I grabbed the nice one, then got in the shower. I poured soap all over the dress, and started to wash myself with it like a rag. I had to scrub really hard to get all the mud out. I scrubbed extra hard to make sure the dress was nice and covered in mud. I then poured shampoo on the clean end to do my hair.  
  
["Geeze you're rotten!" Conker said as he laughed out loud.]  
  
Next, I dumped all the expensive body wash and shampoo down the drain. I then grabbed the turquoise dress and dried myself off. I wrapped the thing around me like a towel, and grabbed the nice dress. I thought she might be mad if she found out, so I hid the evidence by throwing it in the toilet and swirling it around with a plunger. I stuffed it and flushed it.  
  
I went to the mirror and started to comb my hair when I noticed a medicine cabinet. Inside was a lot of PMS medicine, Prozac, and priceless perfumes. All of these went straight into the toilet as well. I kept the bottles of perfume and filled them with water from the sink.  
  
Next, I stepped out, and placed the turquoise dress back in place, and got completely dressed in the pink one. I was nice and ready to go now, so I waved my hands, and Sparky came back.  
  
"Hey! You look great!" he said.  
  
"No I don't I look like Zelda." I said.  
  
He laughed and said," You're so mean."  
  
"You have no idea." I said.  
  
He went back inside my pocket, and I walked out of the room I asked him as we left," Any idea how we're going to get home? I wanna go as soon as possible. I'm about as welcome here as a nasty parasite."  
  
"You could always wish to go home." He replied  
  
"Umm…" I said. "On second thought, maybe I'm not in that much of a hurry. Instead, let's just go for a walk."  
  
* * *  
  
Zelda met up with Daisy washed up elsewhere. They met up after in the corridor. The y went for a little stroll on the roof so they could overlook the garden.  
  
"Look at her Daisy," said Zelda. "Look at her just stomping on my flowers like that." She sighs and shakes her head.  
  
Daisy clenches her fists and says," I got in big trouble with my dad. It's all her fault. If I could, I'd throw that big rock at her."  
  
"Don't worry," said Zelda. "We'll just have to put up with her until tonight. Then we'll have our revenge."  
  
"The sooner the better." Said Daisy.  
  
Link comes running to them, and says," Zel. There's something wrong with your bathroom. The toilet's all clogged up!"  
  
Zelda puts her hands on her hips and says," Did you use too much toilet paper again?"  
  
"No! Not this time, I only went number 1!" he said.  
  
She shook her head and said," Well tell one of the servants to unclog it then."  
  
"Righty my sweet!" he said.  
  
Daisy smiles and says," Now that's the kind of guy I like, doesn't think without you, worships the ground you walk on, and obeys your every command."  
  
Zelda smiles as well and says," Yes, I am lucky aren't I?"  
  
* * *  
  
I was invited to the banquet later in the mid-day. Of course how could I refuse food? The king introduced me to the King of Sarasa, Daisy's father. I was on good terms with him, so he bowed as he greeted me, and I bowed back. We all took our seats on the long table. Unfortunately, there wasn't a seat for me, so they had to grab a chair and sat me across from Daisy and Zelda. The feast arrived, and we started to eat. I was served some of what they called," Duck Hunt Duck Surprise"  
  
This was an excellently prepared meal with duck, rice, and vegetables. My compliments to the chefs on this one. I also noticed that there was no pork on the table. I thought for a moment that they were Jewish or something, but remembered that Malon said there was a shortage of Pork.  
  
The king of Hyrule stood up and proposed a toast," To peace between Hyrule and Sarasa!" Everyone raised their goblets. He then looked to me and said," And to our guest, Peach. A toast to peace between us and the Mushroom Kingdom!" Everyone but Daisy and Zelda raised their goblets.  
  
Link raised for a toast, but Zelda smacked his arm down and scolded him. They sat down and Link kissed her on the cheek to apologize. The king saw, and smiled at them. He looked to me and said," So Peach. Do you have anyone special in your life?"  
  
I smiled and said," No, I'm afraid not. Not yet at least."  
  
Zelda looked over and said," Oh? What about that Mario guy?"  
  
I looked towards her and said," We're not going out, we're friends. That's all."  
  
"But he did save you from Bowser didn't he?" said the king.  
  
"Yea, but there was nothing ever between us. Our relationship is more friendly than romantic."  
  
"Ha. Friendly? Is that what you call it now?" said Zelda with a laugh.  
  
"No." I said.  
  
"Isn't Mario that tall skinny guy?" said the king.  
  
"No he's-" I was about to say.  
  
"He's the short, fat, Italian, plumber, from a place called Brooklyn. I hear Brooklyn is a ghettoish place that's like a breeding ground for criminals." Said Zelda, totally interrupting me. She then put her arm around Link, and smiled devilishly at me.  
  
I don't like people making fun of Mario. He's a very good friend of mine. I mean after all, he did save me the first time. Even if I didn't want to leave, it's the thought that counts, and he's still a sweetheart for it. And I know what she was doing too. She was comparing my hero to hers. On one side you have Mr. Macho Link, and on the other you have the ordinary plumber Mario. Link, who saves Hyrule all the time from evil, and Mario who saves me cause I want to play Poker. Link, who's totally devoted to her, and Mario who loafs around his house all day. I wasn't going to sit here ant take her BS. I had to defend Mario.  
  
"Well that's where he's from, and he's not ashamed. And don't forget he's not only a plumber, but he's a doctor." I said.  
  
"Oh, he's a doctor too?" said the king.  
  
"Hey Peach," said Daisy. "Didn't you personally say he was a quack doctor?"  
  
I had this strong urge to tell her back 'Yea, he really quacked you up your @$$ didn't he?'. But I didn't want to make a scene in front of all of them.  
  
I was going to say something else, when a guard interrupted me by saying," Princess Zelda!"  
  
"Yes?" she said.  
  
"There's something… well you need to see this."  
  
"Can it wait?"  
  
"Yes, but it's very important to you."  
  
She sighed and said," Fine, I will be there. Daddy? May I please be excused?"  
  
"Of course, we were finished anyway."  
  
She smiled and left the room. The king then stood and led everyone towards the ballroom. He stopped in front of me and said," Are you sure you don't want to stay?"  
  
"No thank you," I said. "My dad's probably worried sick. I gotta go."  
  
"If you are sure." He said. "Then my guards will escort you back home."  
  
He told a nearby guard to ready a carriage for me, and he escorted me to the carriage.  
  
* * *  
  
The guard led her to her room where there were 3 dirty looking servants waiting for her.  
  
"Well? What is it?" she said as she crossed her arms.  
  
"Umm… well your highness…" one said. He nudged another servant next to him and he said," You see… someone did something to your stuff."  
  
"Uh oh. What happened?" she said as she unfolded her arms.  
  
"I'm sorry your highness, but when we were told to unclog the toilet, we also took the liberty of cleaning the whole restroom, we found a certain amount of things… wrong."  
  
"If you'll step over here…" said the second one as they went into the restroom.  
  
"Someone was here messing with your things." He said again. "I noticed this."  
  
He handed her the bottles of bathroom soap.  
  
"They're empty." She said.  
  
"They were dumped down the drain."  
  
Her eyes widened and she said," What?!"  
  
"That's not all, your majesty. Look at this."  
  
The third one opened her medicine cabinet, and grabbed some things there. He shook her medicine bottles to show they were empty. Zelda's jaw dropped as she grabbed the bottle. She shoved him out of the way and looked through all of her stuff.  
  
"They're all empty!" she said.  
  
"And the perfume is water."  
  
"WHAT?!" she yelled. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW EXPENSIVE THAT IS?"  
  
"Yes," he said. "Unfortunately I do."  
  
She was absolutely freaking out like she had never before. Zelda was feeling a rage inside her like she'd never felt before, not even for Gannondorf. She was positively shaking with anger. The only words she was able to mutter was-  
  
"PEACH!"  
  
"Umm, your highness…" Said the first one.  
  
"WHAT?!"  
  
"This was clogging the toilet."  
  
He shows her a folded nasty brown and white piece of cloth.  
  
"What is that?!" she says in a calmer, and almost fearful tone.  
  
The servant unfolds the nasty cloth to reveal her once beautiful dress, now covered in mud, and toilet excrement. Zelda's eyes bulge, and her mouth drops open. 


	5. Union of Good and Evil

Chapter 5  
  
Union of Good and Evil  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!"  
  
We had barely left the outer gates when I heard it. Loud and clear, was Zelda's scream.  
  
"What was that?!" said Sparky.  
  
"I um… Don't know. Really." I said  
  
He popped out of my pocket and gave me an accusing stare.  
  
"Ok, so maybe it was my fault… A bit."  
  
He continued to stare.  
  
"Fine, you wanna know? I flushed her dress down the toilet, there are you happy?"  
  
He was shocked. He was about to say something when I pushed him back in and said," Look, it's not safe. Any second now Zelda's going to come running out and try and rip me apart."  
  
"Hey, can't you just beat her up like last time?"  
  
"I think not. She's probably equipped with an AK-47 by now."  
  
I opened the carriage, and looked around. I saw the vine that Link used and climbed it. The guards in the rear looked at me in amazement.  
  
"Well doh." One said. "Who'd have thought you could do that?"  
  
They didn't bother me climbing, they were to busy thinking about the concept of climbing vines. I ran on the hill all the way to the top of the town. The houses were about as tall as the hill, so I jumped and hovered to the rooftops. That's when I noticed something fast and fiery coming at me.  
  
"What the?" I said. I moved just in time before it collided and exploded on the wall nearby. "Oh my God! I was wrong, she doesn't have an AK, she has a freakin' bazooka!"  
  
"Raise the drawbridge!" Said one guard. "Don't let her escape, by orders of the princess Zelda!"  
  
"YOU IDIOT!" another said. "She can fly out!"  
  
I was trapped. They were already getting their crossbows ready. And here I was, stranded on the roof of a house.  
  
"THERE SHE IS, GET HER! GET HER!!" screamed Zelda.  
  
I had never seen her so freaked out before. There was a chunk of hair missing, and her scalp was bleeding. I'm guessing she ripped it out accidentally. Her eyes were bulging, her teeth were barred, she was dragging bits of toilet paper on her shoes, and overall looked pretty capable of murder. That's when I started thinking that flushing the PMS medicine wasn't such a good idea.  
  
"I'LL KILL YOU! YOU'RE GONNA F**KING DIE B**CH! I'LL F**KING TEAR YOU APPART!" She screamed at the bottom of the house.  
  
"Princess please, you haven't taken your medicine yet. You're scaring the children." Said a guard next to her.  
  
"SHE FLUSHED IT DOWN THE TOILET! SHE'S GOING TO F**KING DIE NOW!"  
  
I needed to escape somehow. I thought, and remembered Sparky.  
  
"Sparky, I need you."  
  
He popped out and said," For shame. Look what you did to her."  
  
"Spare me the guilt trip. Listen, can you help me or not?!"  
  
"Well," he said as he thought. "Only if you don't make anymore trouble."  
  
"Yea, yea, sure. I won't, now hurry!"  
  
"Hey, that's not very sincere."  
  
I was getting a little pissed now at him. But I controlled myself and said calmly.  
  
"Sparky, if you help me, I'll try and be better. Is that Ok?"  
  
"Fine. Now make a wish" he said  
  
"Umm… I wish I had a means of escape."  
  
Once again he shimmered, and there was a small flash. Instantly, there was a large floating star in front of me.  
  
"What's this?" I asked  
  
"This, is a warp-star" he said.  
  
"Oh, cool! Like the one Kirby uses right?" I said  
  
"The very same. Now grab it and let's go." He said  
  
I grabbed hold of it, and instantly I was jerked off into the sky. We were going at such a fast speed I didn't know where we were going. Within 5 seconds, I crashed into an open area I was not familiar with.  
  
* * *  
  
"NOOOOOOO!!" screamed Zelda.  
  
Peach had escaped her with some strange star. She couldn't be more upset. She started cursing and scaring all the people away. A strange fiery glow surrounded her as she screamed to the air again. Just then, a voice came from behind.  
  
"ZELDA! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" said the King of Hyrule  
  
"Oh… dad… I'm sorry," she said in a calm, quiet voice. "Well, it's just that… just that…"  
  
"Explain." He said  
  
She broke down completely. She was crying up a storm as she told her dad what had really happened: about the pigpen incident, about the flirting with Link, about her stuff going down the toilet. Daisy was behind her backing up the story, pretending to be upset too.  
  
"I see." Said the king. "No worries Zelda. I believe you this time. You can have your desert back. Yes, you to Daisy. As for Peach, I will force her and her father to pay for all the damages she's caused. She is also forbidden to come to Hyrule castle at anytime."  
  
"Thank you Daddy." She said as she sniffed and wiped her eyes.  
  
They headed back to the castle to finish their ball.  
  
In the distance, a small, round, pink, puffball crashed from the sky like a shooting star. Kirby was his name. He stood up with his eyes in a swirl and said, "Uuuhhgg… who took my warp-star?" and he fell over again.  
  
When they reached the castle again, Zelda and Daisy went straight to her room.  
  
"That stupid b**ch." Said Zelda.  
  
"I just HATE her!" said Daisy  
  
"Well, the payment isn't exactly payback now is it?" said Zelda  
  
"Nope. So the plan's still on tonight?"  
  
"More than ever." Said Zelda. "Consider the payment as an added bonus. Now there's a problem though."  
  
"What's that?" said Daisy.  
  
"I don't know where she is now. I need to find her, and chase her back to the castle somehow."  
  
"But we can't do that," said Daisy. "We don't have the skill. So how are we going to do it?"  
  
"'We' can't." she said with a smile. " But Sheik can."  
  
* * *  
  
"Sparky!" I said.  
  
"What now?" he said.  
  
"Nice job on the escape." I said with a smile.  
  
"Thanks! I'm surprised it worked. I gained a star point for that!"  
  
"Very cool. Listen, I know Zelda's going to send some of her thugs to come after me now. How about a wish for someone who can beat them easily?" I asked.  
  
"Ok, sounds like a plan." He said.  
  
"Let's see… I wish for someone who can kick butt. Someone who can easily take out anyone Zelda sends after me."  
  
He laughed and started glowing again. He made a flash, and instantly a swirling blue vortex opened in front of us. A tall and dark figure stepped out of the vortex. He was wearing sort of a strong black leather armor, and thick black leather boots. He had and extremely big nose and very thin hair. I recognized who this was, it was Gannondorf.  
  
He had stepped out of the vortex, facing the opposite direction. He then stretched his arms by putting them to his sides. While his arms were out, he leaned back and did a cold and deep laugh.  
  
"HA HA HA! FOOL! WHO DARES SUMMON THE GREAT AND EVIL GANNONDORF?! WAS IT YOU?!" He said as he pointed to a tree in front of him.  
  
"NO! I BET IT WAS…YOU!" He said as he then pointed to a bunny rabbit.  
  
"OH, CHICKEN ARE WE?! YOU CANNOT ESCAPE MY WRATH! I WILL DESTROY YOU!"  
  
The poor little bunny put it's ears down and ran away. I then came up from behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"Excuse me," I said calmly. "But could you please stop that yelling, it's annoying. Oh, and I summoned you."  
  
He turned around and looked at me. He looked me up and down, then smiled.  
  
"I KNEW THAT! I was simply testing to see if YOU DID!" he said as he laughed loudly again.  
  
"Wait a minute…" he said quietly. "You're not Zelda. But you're wearing her clothes… Why? Why would you wish to be so fashionably inclined on purpose?"  
  
"Hey, watch it," I said. "It wasn't my fault. I didn't have a choice. My other dress was covered in mud from beating Zelda's @$$."  
  
"You are an enemy of Zelda?" he asked  
  
"Definitely." I said.  
  
He laughed again. "What's your name girl?"  
  
"Peach."  
  
"PRINCESS PEACH!?" He yelled.  
  
"The very same. And this is my buddy Sparky." I said as I pulled him out.  
  
"Hello!" said Sparky cheerfully.  
  
"AND HELLO TO YOU TOO!!" yelled Gannondorf  
  
"Oow," we both said as I covered my ears. "Why do you keep yelling like that?"  
  
"It's an evil sorcerer, who wants to rule Hyrule, thing. You wouldn't understand."  
  
"Fine." I said  
  
"Now then, let me ask you something." He said.  
  
"Shoot." I said.  
  
"In your kingdom… do you have anything of great power? Maybe a Tri- something? Maybe a Tri-force of your own? Tri-bond? Tri-gun? Or even a Tricycle?" he said.  
  
"Humm…" I thought. " Nothing like that really. Oh wait, we do have a mushroom. It makes you grow big." I said.  
  
"A… Mushroom you say?" he said.  
  
"Yep."  
  
"THEN I MUST HAVE IT!!!" he yelled extremely loud.  
  
"Ooow. Stop that."  
  
"FOOL! YOU HAVE GIVEN AWAY THE SECRET OF YOUR KINGDOM! NOW, YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE KINDOM WILL FALL! YOU WILL ALL BE DESTROYED BY MY MIGHT! I SHALL RULE YOUR KINGDOM WITH AN IRON FIST!"  
  
"Umm…" I said. "So which is it? Destroy or rule it?"  
  
"SHUT UP! THAT'S WHAT!" he yelled.  
  
"You know, they're really not a problem to get. In fact, I can get you one." I said  
  
His smile faded, and he stared at me. It was a patronizing stare, that told me he was annoyed by what I said.  
  
"You're not really helping here. You're suppose to be scared… crying for mercy… begging me not to destroy you." He said calmly  
  
"Well, to be honest, I don't find you scary. In fact you look downright funny. I bet you could poke my eyes out at the most. I mean with that big nose and all." I said.  
  
"Hey, hey, hey." He said. "Lay off the nose jokes."  
  
"All right, sorry about that. I bet you get a lot of that."  
  
"As a matter of fact I do."  
  
"Oh look, here's a super mushroom." I said as I pointed to the ground.  
  
"GIVE ME THAT!" he said as he snatched it from the ground. He ate the small mushroom, then grew two times his size.  
  
"AH HA HA HA HA!" he said in a deep giant voice. "FOOL! NOW YOUR KINGDOM WILL BE MINE! AH HA HA HA!"  
  
He then started running in the opposite direction. I stood there, just blinking. About 10 seconds later he comes walking back.  
  
"Excuse me, but where exactly is your kingdom?"  
  
"I'm kind of lost myself. So I don't know either."  
  
"I see…Then I guess I'll have to…FIND IT MYSELF!! MUA HA HA HA!"  
  
He ran off again in a different direction. I wait again, and about 10 seconds later he comes back, at normal size.  
  
"Hate to bother you but do you have another one? This one's a dud. Wait a minute… I mean, SURRENDER THE MUSHROOM OR I WILL DESTROY YOU!"  
  
I shrugged my shoulder and said," Ok."  
  
I handed him another mushroom and he ran off again. 10 seconds later, he comes back normal size again.  
  
"Those ones were baby mushrooms, they don't work well." I said.  
  
"No, that's not the problem. You are!"  
  
"What did I do?!"  
  
"You're no fun. It's not fun unless you're scared."  
  
"Well you're not scary."  
  
"Humph…" he says. "Could you at least pretend to be scared."  
  
"I'd try, but I'd end up laughing."  
  
"Geeze, you're not into this whole 'I wanna destroy your kingdom' thing are you?"  
  
"No way. It's been done to death. It's kind of old now ya know?" I said  
  
"True… but Zelda is always afraid…"  
  
"That's because she's a chicken s**t. Besides she and her whole kingdom take everything way to seriously all the time. I don't think they ever take a day off. The tight @$$es."  
  
He chuckled and said," True. You know what? I like you. You've got that certain spunk I like in a woman. Did you ever consider a career in being an evil bad guy?"  
  
"No, but thanks for the offer," I said with a half smile. "I'm afraid that in my spare time, I play Golf and Tennis, not plotting to take over the world."  
  
"Nobody's perfect." He said.  
  
"Say, would you like to come with me?" I said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I need some protection against Zelda's thugs."  
  
He thought for a moment, then said," Why?"  
  
I told him the story of what happened, from my castle to the warp- star. He was a good listener, and had a big sense of humor. He laughed a little too much though on the part where I beat up Zelda and Daisy.  
  
"HA HA HA!" he laughed. "Oh, of course I'll go with you. It might be stimulating… and then after… I shall DESTROY YOU AT TENNIS!"  
  
"Whatever." I said. 


	6. Behind the scenes

Chapter 6  
  
Behind the scenes  
  
I thought about where we should go from there. I had to choose with enne-meene-minee-moe again. I pointed towards a tall thin metal frame in the distance.  
  
"That looks like a transmission tower. It might be a Radio or TV station." Said Gannon  
  
"Well let's go, I need somewhere to hide out for a while." I said  
  
"Hide?" he asked  
  
"Of course!" I said. "I'm not stupid. I know Zelda's coming after me. I also know that if I go home, she's probably rigged my house with traps."  
  
"Very true. Good thinking." He said.  
  
We walked towards the tower, and sure enough, it was a TV station. It also happened to be my favorite channel, the N-Fox network. It was a big 2- story building with a tall transmission tower in the back. We went into the front and stepped into the reception area. I looked and around and saw a gay looking receptionist filing his nails. I walked up to him, and he asked," May I help you?"  
  
"Hello, I'm Princess Peach, and this is Gannondorf." I said.  
  
"HELLO!" he yelled and smiled.  
  
Gannon had scared the guy and he fell over. He gets up and says," Peach? Gannon? Humm… I didn't know they were making a second one… oh well, as long as you're here you'd better get ready, you'll be on soon."  
  
"On? On where?" I asked  
  
"Nintendo Jeopardy of course!" he said.  
  
"Oooh!" I said. " Hey Gannon, while we're here, do you want to play?"  
  
"Humm…" he thought for a moment, then grinned. "Of course, I'd like to pay my favorite Shy guy a visit."  
  
I looked at him suspiciously and said," I heard rumors that you both don't like each other."  
  
"HA HA HA!" he laughed loudly. " ME NOT LIKE SOMEONE?! PROPOSTORIOUS!"  
  
"Whatever." I said. "Ok, why not have some fun? I'm hiding out anyway."  
  
"Just a thought," he said as we walked backstage. "What if she sees us on TV?"  
  
"No way." I said. "The chances of Zelda doing something fun are like a snowball's chance in hell."  
  
"Oh yes. I forgot. Not a day off. That's right." He said.  
  
"Besides," I said. "They don't get cable over there."  
  
We walked down the corridor until we saw a door labeled Nintendo Jeopardy. We walked inside and were backstage in the Nintendo Jeopardy set. We heard the crowd cheering the words," Jeop-ard-dee, Jeop-ard-dee!" and I knew that it was a commercial break.  
  
"Only a couple more minutes, then my nightmare will be over today," I heard Shy guy saying from behind the curtains. I stuck my head out the curtains and looked around the set. There was Shy guy standing behind his podium, looking very annoyed. Roy, the Japanese warrior, was standing on top of his podium, searching his pockets for something. I also saw Mario's cap sitting on the last podium, but I couldn't find Mario. And there was nothing on the last podium. People started cheering even louder when they saw me stick my head out. I quickly went back in.  
  
"All right, we're on in bloody, 5…4…3…2…1…" Said Greg the Grim Reaper, who also happened to be the cameraman.  
  
"Hello, and welcome back to Nintendo Jeopardy." Said Shy Guy. "For those of you just tuning in, I recommend you tune out. Many of our viewers have started impersonating their favorite characters, and have sent complaints about why they're always wrong. Idiocy, is now turning into an epidemic. I would also like to reassure the audience, that our constants do in fact have their clothes back on."  
  
"You can'ta prove that!" said Mario, who was apparently behind his podium again.  
  
"That is gross. Please find your way to the restroom and change."  
  
"But youa said we could geta comfortable!"  
  
"I did not mean that comfortable!"  
  
I looked out to see this. Mario was standing on his podium with his hat covering his crotch. Some idiot from the crowd yelled," Do the Mario!" The crowd at the same time started swinging both arms from side to side. As soon as he raised both hands in the air, I covered my eyes. Gannon on the other hand chuckled and said," You might want to see this. His hat didn't fall down."  
  
"No thanks." I said.  
  
"Hey wait. Isn't he your boyfriend?" he said with a mischievous smile.  
  
"NO!" I said and shook my head. "As far as I'm concerned, I don't even know him right now."  
  
He continued to grin and said," We shall see."  
  
He walked to the area where Shy guy was.  
  
"What are you doing?" I asked  
  
"You'll see."  
  
I didn't like the sound of that, so I followed him.  
  
Shy guy sighed and continued," Moving on, in second place, we have Roy, with a score of –4,500. Greg, our cameraman, will hereby translate Roy, who can't speak a word of English. Anything to say Roy?"  
  
Roy was too busy to answer. He was sitting on top of the podium, with both legs bent back behind his neck, playing the Japanese National anthem on a Kazoo, while spanking himself with the other hand. He then looked up and said something in Japanese.  
  
"He says,' It's a custom to do this after a commercial break where I come from'." Said Greg.  
  
Shy guy sat there and just stared. He said," I'm speechless. Where do you come from? Retardoshima?"  
  
He shook his head, and continued." In last place with a score of –5,800, we have Mario, who is apparently still doing his dance called,' The Mario'. So we'll just leave him be. And in first place is our returning champion, with a whopping score of 142, a simple can of baked beans."  
  
This was when Gannondorf stepped out completely from behind the curtains. He was behind Shy guy, and he didn't notice Gannon. Shy guy started naming off the categories, when Gannon let out an extremely loud laugh.  
  
"RRRRRRAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA!" he yelled.  
  
This scared poor Shy guy so badly, that he jumped forward and crashed into his podium, completely knocking it over. He then tumbled forward and crashed into Roy's podium, making Roy slip off, right on top of him. The impact from Roy made Shy guy's mask fall off and roll nearby where I was. Gannon, the audience and Greg were all now laughing their heads off. Roy got off Shy guy, and Shy guy got up and looked towards me. I looked back and was in shock. Shy guy had the face of a human.  
  
"What's the matter little Hobbit?" said Gannondorf. "Did I scare you?"  
  
Shy guy went back and put his mask back on. "Gannon. You need to go now. Before I call security."  
  
"HA! I was only joking my good friend," he said with an evil smile. "And I have someone who wants to say Hi to you Mario."  
  
He sent off some sort of dark shockwave at me, and it made me tumble forward onto the set. Immediately, people were chanting my name. Mario looked straight at me and put one hand to his side, and waved at me with the other. "Heya Peachy!"  
  
It was true, nastily, his hat was still covering his crotch. I was shielding my eyes and said Hi back. Gannondorf laughed heartily again and said," Come on Peach, give your lover boy a hug!"  
  
"No, that's ok. Really."  
  
Shy guy interrupted and said," Look, why don't you bother Captain Falcon? At least he doesn't mind uninvited guests."  
  
"That we will, Shy guy!" said Gannon. "Where is the mojo then?"  
  
"He's in studio number 3. Now get out!"  
  
"Come Peach! Let us make our leave!"  
  
He grabbed my by the arm and dragged me off. "Bye Peachy!" said Mario as I left.  
  
I broke hold of him, and said," Why did you do that?!"  
  
He chuckled and said," Because I can! And I love a good laugh!"  
  
I shook my head and thought I kind of deserved that. I then remembered something else," Hey, Shy guy was a Hobbit? I thought those were made up!"  
  
"HA!" he laughed. "Show's what you know. Most Hobbits hide by posing as Shy Guys. That one happens to be one."  
  
I thought about it, then said," That would explain why he speaks perfect English. But wait, how did you find out?"  
  
"Easily," he said. "My eyes can see the truth! I can see many things with my magical eyes! I can see all secrets!"  
  
I noticed he was staring at my breasts as he said this. My jaw dropped, and I covered myself, and slapped him with the other hand.  
  
"Oooh!" he said as he rubbed his cheek. "NO! I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!"  
  
"You'd better not!" I said.  
  
"I was looking at your aura. Honestly." He said.  
  
"Humph. Keep it that way."  
  
We continued to walk down a couple of corridors until we came to studio 3. We walked inside and found ourselves backstage again with many odd props. I had only remembered seeing Captain Falcon's show a couple of times. It was called 'Captain Falcon and the Falcateers," a show for little kids. He had a sidekick with him named Johnson who reminded me of Shy guy, in the fact that he hated his job but had no other way of making money.  
  
We heard him talking from behind the curtains.  
  
"And that kids, is why you should never EVER play with a household superconductor with the temperature over 300 degrees Fahrenheit."  
  
The kids giggled as he continued.  
  
"Anyway, Jared-"  
  
"It's Johnson sir." Said Johnson  
  
"Whatever Julian. What's next on our agenda?"  
  
They continued to talk, and I said," If I remember correctly, to be a surprise guest, all you do is ring that doorbell over there." I said.  
  
Gannondorf walked over and stuck his finger out and pressed the button. He has so much power that his simple push melted the doorbell. It still made the noise though.  
  
"By the Great G-string of Zeus! It looks as though we have a guest today!" said Falcon  
  
"YAY!" said the kids.  
  
"Robert! Go see who's at the door." Said Falcon  
  
"It's Johnson sir."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
Johnson answered the door. He was about average height, I'd say about 5'7, tan looking complexion, jet black hair, medium build (I could tell he works out because his suit was skin tight), and a very young and handsome face.  
  
"Come in." he said.  
  
And there we were, out on the set. It had a big sky background, F-Zero racecars used as seats, and overall looked like a giant F-Zero raceway. The only noticeable difference was that the place was littered with pictures of him, and him doing moves to some Nintendo people.  
  
"Well if it isn't… umm… isn't… help me out here." He said as he shook my hand.  
  
"Peach." I said looking half annoyed.  
  
"PEACH!" he said. "Of course! How could I forget?! And who is that behind you?"  
  
"He's my sidekick, Gannondorf." I said, and stuck my tongue out at him.  
  
"Quite." He said looking amused.  
  
"By the Great Testicles of Mars! Is that you Gannondorf?" said Falcon  
  
"Yes, it is me." Gannon said  
  
"You know him?" I asked Falcon  
  
"Know him?!" He said. " I trained him in martial arts! Kids, say hello to my old pal Gannondorf!"  
  
"Hello Gannondorf!" said the kids.  
  
"Wait a minute! How did you two meet?" I asked.  
  
"At a Pub. We were both drunk of our arses, and became drinking buddies." Said Gannon.  
  
"Ahem," said Falcon. " (We're on a kid's show!) Don't worry children, he's just playing around. The jokester."  
  
"Right…" said Gannon.  
  
"You both are in luck! We were just about to play my favorite game!"  
  
"What would that be?" I asked  
  
"Captain Falcon saves the world again!" he said.  
  
"Sounds… interesting." I lied.  
  
"Ha ha!" he laughed. "By the Panties of Thor! I almost forgot! It's time now for a Falcon Cartoon kids!"  
  
"YAY!" the kids cheered  
  
"Roll the cartoon David!"  
  
"It's- Never mind." Said Johnson as he walked away to start the cartoon.  
  
The cartoon was usually this lame cartoon about him stopping his rival from taking over the world. It reminded me of those lame super-hero cartoons of the past, such as Birdman, or the Justice Friends, Space Ghost, or even the old school Batman cartoons. The script was awful, and so was the voice acting. So naturally, kids flocked to it like they would a Digimon or Pokemon cartoon. While the cartoon was playing, Falcon talked to us privately.  
  
"Jimmy!" said Falcon  
  
"Johnson!" said Johnson  
  
"Whatever. Get them the costumes please. There's a good man."  
  
He shook his head and went to the back.  
  
"So," Falcon said again. "Here's the deal. You both are going to play a part in a little interaction game. Pineapple, you're going to play the part of my 'rival'."  
  
"Pineapple? I'm Peach." I said.  
  
"Whatever. Like I said, you're going to play the part of my 'rival' Samurai Goroh. And Gannon, you're going to play the part of the Princess Peach."  
  
"Humm?" said Gannon.  
  
"Come on! It'll be new! After all, it might be to cliché to have a girl play the girl part. Come on, be a sport!"  
  
"Wait a minute." I said. "Isn't the simple fact of saving the girl cliché enough?"  
  
"Well…" he said. " That's… very… Oh look, here comes Peter now!"  
  
Johnson came holding a dress that looked like mine, and a Samurai Goroh costume. I took the costume, and giggled as he handed the dress to Gannondorf.  
  
"I REFUSE TO WEAR THIS!" he yelled.  
  
"Come on ol' buddy. Just this once. Remember, you still owe me one." Said Falcon  
  
Gannon looked at him and said," But not this! I don't owe you this!"  
  
"Ok," said Falcon. "Would you do it for… a buck?"  
  
"Humm…" said Gannondorf. "Tempting… Ok fine I'll wear the stupid dress."  
  
"A buck?" I said. "You changed your mind for a buck?"  
  
"Oh no, here it comes." Said Johnson as he shook his head.  
  
"Just a buck eh?" said Falcon. "If you dial 1-800 collect, all calls over 20 minutes are only 99 cents!"  
  
Falcon did his two-finger salute, and smiled to the camera. Gannon smiled and said to me," Yes, and it's just 9 cents a minute after! I'm getting a great deal!"  
  
"So remember folks," said Falcon. "Use 1-800 collect, and by the Great Pubic hairs of Hades, you'll save a buck or two!"  
  
"Who the hell are you talking to?!" I said to them both.  
  
Before anyone could say anything else, a little midget came running out there with a briefcase. He handed it to Falcon, and walked off. Falcon opened it, and it was full of money. He pocketed some, and gave the rest to Gannon.  
  
"Don't worry, you get used to it." Johnson said to me.  
  
"Righty!" said Falcon. "Pear, you can use my dressing room, Jimmy, take Gannon to yours.  
  
"It's Johnson sir, and her name is Peach."  
  
"Whatever"  
  
He put his arm out, as if to properly escort me. "Shall we?" he said.  
  
I half smiled and agreed. We both went arm and arm backstage. He led me to a door with a big star that said Captain Falcon in big gold letters. I looked to the side and saw Johnson's dressing room door. It had the words,' Janitor's closet' crossed out, and had Jonathan written on it in permanent marker. I seriously wondered why that poor boy put up with his crap though.  
  
I went inside, and Falcon said," Try and hurry, we'll be on in a few."  
  
"Ok." I said. "Sparky, please leave again."  
  
Falcon left the room, and Sparky came out.  
  
"Oohh, that Falcon makes me mad. I should give him a punch in the nose. The way he treats that poor Johnson guy."  
  
"Well, yea, he is a bit oblivious when it comes to names."  
  
"He's a jerk." He said as he left the room.  
  
I started to undress, but stopped for a second. I had this strange feeling. Like I was being watched. I don't know what it was. It might have been the fact that there were Captain Falcon pictures all over the wall, or it might have been the fact that one of the picture's eyes seemed to move. I didn't trust Falcon, not anymore at least. I quickly got dressed and stepped out. Sparky waited for me, then went into the coat pocket. Falcon came from the side, and looked me up and down.  
  
"Wow! By the Great Tampons of Hermes, You actually make that look good."  
  
I smiled and said," Thanks, I guess."  
  
"Ah, there's Gannon now!"  
  
I looked behind me, and saw the most funny and scary sight I've ever seen. Gannondorf, in my pink dress, with high-heels, lipstick, and a crown. There are no words to describe how this scene was. Well maybe there is, it's called a Kodak moment. I couldn't stop laughing. I was on all fours, pounding the ground laughing.  
  
"OOOOH!" said Gannon as he looked in a mirror. " I feel so…Pretty!"  
  
Pretty was far from how he looked. In fact even remotely cute was on the other end of the world. He looked downright hideous.  
  
Falcon gave his lame, super-hero laugh," Ha ha ha! Good job Gannon. Now let's go, the cartoon is over."  
  
After I recovered from laughing, we had to wait a moment for the kids to stop laughing as well. Gannon was taking this cross dressing thing better than I expected. In fact, he was laughing along with the kids.  
  
Falcon handed me a script, and told me just to do exactly what it says. Gannondorf got a script as well.  
  
"Now kids, Cherry here is going to play the part of my 'rival'!" said Falcon  
  
As soon as he had said the word 'rival', all the kids started booing me.  
  
"Hey!" I said.  
  
"Don't let it bother you Apple. They don't like rivals! Do you kids?" said Falcon  
  
The kids started booing again.  
  
"Ok, let's begin shall we?"  
  
"My name's Peach." I said.  
  
"Whatever. Just begin."  
  
I shook my head and began," Ha ha ha. Now I have you Peach, Falcon's lover… WHAT?! I am not!"  
  
He shushed me and said," Keep going, and stay in character!"  
  
I sighed and said," We all know that Falcon will come and save his little Peachy cobbler…"  
  
I hesitated, then said," Then I, Samurai Goroh, will destroy him with my kitana of chocolate…"  
  
I hesitated again, then said," Next, I will take over the world with my army of Killer Robot Ninjas who don't know martial arts and blow up easily, and my robot trash cans with wheels, and robot mice of doom. Robot mice of doom?"  
  
"STAY IN CHARACTER!" Falcon said.  
  
"Fine, fine." I said.  
  
"Oh won't my hero, Captain Falcon come? Oh yea, and his sidekick Tommy," Said Gannon. "I just want to go back and make sweet love to him, because I love him and all, and he's the best, and I'm totally into him, and I worship the ground he walks on-"  
  
"JUST A MINUTE THERE!" I said.  
  
"Grape," said Falcon. "Don't worry, it's just a story! Don't worry your pretty little head about it."  
  
I was getting pissed of with this guy now. Who did he think he was? Trying to say stuff like that about me on public television. The kids were booing at me again, and it was Falcon's lines now.  
  
"Ha ha ha! It is I, Captain Falcon! Here to save the day!" Falcon said. Instantly the kids started cheering.  
  
"Curses." I said, "It's Captain Falcon here to save the day."  
  
"Yes, it is I. Here saving the day! Isn't that right Louis?" said Falcon ecstatically  
  
"Yea, yea, yea, saving the day is me to, his sidekick Johnson." He said sounding both bored and annoyed.  
  
"Grrr," I said," Unleash the robots."  
  
The side doors opened, and these old, beat up looking robots came out. There were 2 human looking ones, an actual rolling trashcan on a wheel, and 4 strange looking robot mice.  
  
"Oh no, what are we going to do Captain Falcon?" said Johnson bored again.  
  
"Never fear!" said Falcon, with a big toothy smile. "I'll use my Falcon Punch!"  
  
The humanoid ones walked towards him. Then he did his two-finger salute to the kids again, and charged his punch. There was a tremendous amount of energy surging in his hands, and it was unleashed in the shape of a falcon as he said," FALCON PUNCH!" The robots instantly exploded to robot powder.  
  
My jaw dropped, and I was sprayed with the powder. Johnson looked not amused though.  
  
"Oh no Captain Falcon, what about the Trash cans with wheels?" he said even more bored than before.  
  
"Ha ha! No worries Garry! I'll just use my Falcon Kick!"  
  
The little trash can was having trouble moving, but it attempted to charge Falcon. Falcon smiled again and unleashed a fiery kick as he said," FALCON KICK!"  
  
The poor robot trash can had no chance in hell. It crumbled instantly.  
  
"Ha! Show me your moves!" said Falcon ecstatically, as the kids cheered even louder. "Joey! I'm going after Goroh! You finish the job here!"  
  
"Yes Captain Falcon, my hero." He said annoyed.  
  
Johnson shook his head as the strange wind-up mice charged him. He had his hands in his pockets as he calmly knocked the mice over and they instantly fell apart. One stopped short of him and just fell apart. The kids ate it up, they were cheering like crazy.  
  
Falcon ran in circles, around the set, and as he ran, his theme music started playing. He then stopped in front of me.  
  
"Psst! Say your lines." He whispered  
  
"Oh," I said," Curses. Captain Falcon, you have defeated my evil robot army. Curses, because you found me. I will now cut you up with my blade of chocolate."  
  
The script told me to pull out the sword, and sure enough it was made of half melted chocolate.  
  
"Super, ultra, mega, big, nasty, hit of doom." I said as I swung my sword.  
  
Falcon grabbed the chocolate, and it broke in his hands. The kids gasped. Falcon said," Ha ha! I know your moves! Your Super, ultra, mega, big, nasty, hit of doom has no effect on me! And now, by the Exotic bra of Apollo, you will be brought to JUSTICE!"  
  
"Gasp." I said. "What am I to do, I'm nothing but a big looser, and I'm stooped, and I wear girls clothes, and I suck, and I'm the worst, and I always loose to Falcon, and stuff… Isn't that a bit too much?"  
  
"Stay in character!" he said again. "Now I will use my Falcon punch and defeat you!"  
  
I looked in the script, and it said to get Falcon Punched. I was a bit worried, and I whispered to him," Hey, you aren't really going to punch me are you?"  
  
"Ha ha ha!" he said," Get ready my 'rival'!"  
  
There was more booing. And he yelled," FALCON-" and charged.  
  
"WAIT A MINUTE!" I yelled and put my hands in front of me.  
  
It was to late. He yelled," PUNCH!" and I got it, right in the gut. The punch sent me flying right through a picture of him, and against a wall backstage. I hit the floor hard, and curled up groping my stomach and gasping for air. Johnson came running backstage with something.  
  
"Oh God," he said. "I'm really sorry about that. He does that to every special guest. You'd think it would get old by now."  
  
He gave me some sort of drink, and the pain went away.  
  
He helped me up and said," I won't lie to you. He's a complete idiot. But the people love him."  
  
I started walking with him, and asked," Why do you put up with that guy? He's a total jerk."  
  
He sighed and said," Money. I need the money. I wouldn't do this for peanuts."  
  
I said," Well I don't think I'd put up with him at all. Not for anything."  
  
"To tell you the truth, my parents passed away a long time ago. I gotta make the money and support my little brother and sister. No way am I sending them to some orphanage. And I'm 18, so I can legally take care of em'."  
  
"Oh no!" I said. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Hey, don't worry about it. It was my decision." He said.  
  
I smiled at him and said," That's so noble of you. I wish there were more people like you out there. You're really sweet you know that?"  
  
He started blushing, and said," Yea, thanks."  
  
He had a thought, and then asked," Hey, you wanna join a club?"  
  
"A club? What club?" I asked.  
  
He laughed and said," I'm the founder of the 'Anti-Falcon' club."  
  
I laughed too and said," Ok, sounds cool. What do you guys do?"  
  
"We basically are trying to get him off of the show, or at least be my sidekick." He said.  
  
"So you can run the show?"  
  
"Hell yea!" he said. " I could do so much better than he can. At least I understand kids. I love kids, so I'd understand em' better. I'd write better scripts, teach them different lessons, and spend the budget on what we need, not on myself."  
  
"Sounds good, count me in." I said.  
  
"Well then, I uhh…" he said, and blushed again. "Need to get your phone number please."  
  
He was very sweet. I personally would have liked to get to know him better, but unfortunately not yet. Gannondorf peeked backstage to see what we were doing.  
  
"HEY!" he yelled. "Stop flirting and get over here!"  
  
"OH!" I said. "Sorry! And I was not flirting."  
  
"Sure you weren't. We all believe that." He said sarcastically.  
  
"Really! I wasn't!" I said  
  
Johnson was blushing, and Gannondorf was smirking. We got back on stage where Captain Falcon was standing center stage, grinning like an idiot. I had half the mind to go up and slap him as hard as I could right in front of everyone. But I noticed someone in the audience that made me forget.  
  
Sheik. I looked straight at him, and he looked straight back at me. He did his two-finger pose at me, and vanished. This wasn't good. Zelda's goons now knew where I was hiding. I had to get out fast. In fact I needed some speed, and unfortunately, the man who knows speed is the only man who should stay off the road: Captain Falcon. 


	7. An Offer You Can Refuse

Chapter 7  
  
An offer you can refuse  
  
"Falcon, we need to talk." I said.  
  
"Stay in character… After the show." He said  
  
There was no point in arguing with this idiot, so I decided to finish up the stupid story. I sighed, grabbed the script from the floor, and continued.  
  
"Oh no, I have gotten Falcon Punch. I am defeated. I loose again. But I will get you next time, Captain Falcon, next time."  
  
"Ha ha!" said Falcon. " I have defeated my rival! And I have saved the beautiful and succulent Princess Peach."  
  
"Oh, my hero!" said Gannondorf. He smiled and said," Now we can go home and make sweet love like usual."  
  
"THAT'S NOT IN THE SCRIPT!" I yelled.  
  
He laughed at me, and spun around in midair. I guessed it was his way of telling me it was a joke. Falcon on the other hand, had a different view.  
  
"By the Period of Poseidon! I should add that to the script!" he said.  
  
"You'd better not!" I said.  
  
"Say in ch- Oh wait, we're done!" He said. The kids started cheering. He smiled and said," And remember kids, the moral of today's story is: Always look both ways before crossing the path of an intergalactic war zone."  
  
How he got that moral was anybody's guess. I was just glad the show was ending. He said a few words before the end, and then wrapped things up with the Official Captain Falcon Saying: To uphold truth and justice. To bring peace and prosperity to the galaxy. To sell out to large corporations and advertise in commercials.  
  
He and the kids saluted, then the camera shut off. The kids in the audience came running down to see Falcon, but security held them off.  
  
"Ha ha!" laughed Falcon. "I'm sorry kids, no autographs today. I have some urgent business with my new girlf- err, I mean friend Peach."  
  
"Aaw." Said some of the kids.  
  
"No worries! Jacob will sign autographs!" he said.  
  
"Aaw." they said again.  
  
"Humph," said Johnson as he shook his head. " No respect."  
  
"And I will sign autographs AS WELL!" yelled Gannondorf, scarring the kids again.  
  
What kid could resist the charms of a psycho in a pink dress? The kids reluctantly took Gannondorf's autograph.  
  
Falcon offered his arm to me again, which I refused and walked backstage without him.  
  
"Come on, we'll talk in my room." He said.  
  
I raised an eyebrow as I wondered if it really was private at all. I went inside, and took off the vest I had on. As soon as I stepped in the middle of the room, he closed and locked the door.  
  
"Hey! What are you doing?" I said  
  
"Just for safety, babe." He said  
  
"What?" I said  
  
"You know, so nobody will disturb." He said  
  
I just looked at him and said," Look, all I wanted to do was ask you a favor."  
  
"Sure sure, anything." He said smiling.  
  
"I need for you to take me away from here. Fast."  
  
"Oh? Moving quickly I see. How kinky. Don't worry, I had planned out a nice little spot anyway." He said as he walked over to his stereo. He then put on some corny romantic music.  
  
"What are you talking about? And what are you doing?" I said.  
  
"Oh Pear, you don't have to play hard to get." He said still smiling.  
  
"I'm serious, I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"Don't be silly." He said. He approached me and put a hand on my shoulder and said." I got all the signs from you. I know what you want. And don't worry, we'll go out on that date just like you wanted."  
  
My mouth dropped open, and I shoved his hand off.  
  
"A DATE?" I said. "I never… I didn't say I wanted a date!"  
  
"Really now?" he said.  
  
"No! I never wanted a date with you!" I said.  
  
"Oh…" he said. He thought for a moment, and then smiled even more. " Now I get it. You wanna just skip the date, and head straight for sex eh?"  
  
"NO!" I yelled. "You must be a complete idiot to think that."  
  
"Not really," he said. "My father was a complete idiot… I only wish I were that good. Me? I'm just a half-wit."  
  
I opened my mouth to say something, but stopped because there was nothing else to say about that. Instead he said," So… You wanna get bathed first, or should we start now?"  
  
"How about NEVER?" I said angrily.  
  
He thought for a moment and said," I'm not getting you. I'm not getting this 'never' concept… does that mean you want to now or later?"  
  
I was getting seriously pissed at him now. "Never means, NO! I wouldn't ever have sex with you. Never EVER!"  
  
"What's your point?" he said  
  
I closed my eyes and shook my fists.  
  
"Look you piece of crap!" I yelled. "Never means no! No means I will not have sex with you! No! No! No!"  
  
"Wait a minute," he said quietly. "So what you're trying to say is you don't want to do it with me now? Well how about after you take a bath first? Or maybe after our date?"  
  
"NO!" I yelled again.  
  
"Not later? Then how about now?" he said with a smile.  
  
That was it. I slapped that stupid smile right off his face and onto the floor. I was still breathing hard from anger, and he slowly started getting up. I raised my hand to slap him again, but he put his hands up.  
  
"Wait! Wait!" he said. "Ok I'm sorry! I get it now, no sex at all."  
  
"Humph." I said. "Now, will you help me or not?!"  
  
"All right, I will… You want to leave?"  
  
"Yes. I need a ride as soon as I can. And as quietly as possible. Zelda and her goons are after me. Gannondorf will stay and take care of them for me. You just need to take me somewhere for a while." I said  
  
"Fine, sounds like a superb plan!" he said, faking a smile. "Only one problem though."  
  
"What now?" I said  
  
"I seemed to have dropped my car keys somewhere, help me find them." He said while searching the floor.  
  
"Fine," I said as I started to search the floor.  
  
"Check under the sofa," he said. "I'll lift."  
  
I bent down to check, but instead he stood right next to me, bent over and I felt something happen on my back. I stood up, and my eyes widened.  
  
"What did you do?" I asked him.  
  
"Nothing!" he said. He was very unconvincing.  
  
I felt on my back, then noticed something was missing. I gasped and said," Give it back!"  
  
"Give what back?" he said trying not to smile.  
  
"You know damn well what! I don't know how you did it, but you'd better give me back my bra or else!" I yelled angrily at him.  
  
"Your bra is missing?" he said as he looked at my chest through the white tee shirt. "Ha! So it is!"  
  
"Give it back NOW!" I yelled as I covered myself.  
  
"Geeze Plum, I don't know what you mean, honestly." He said, finally cracking a smile.  
  
This guy really knew how to piss me off. I was so angry, I grabbed his hand, pulled, and tripped him onto his stomach. I quickly grabbed 1 of his legs and pulled it back as hard as I could.  
  
"Ow! Ow ow ow ow!" he started yelling and tapping on the floor. "Ok Ok! OW! I give- OW- up!"  
  
I let go, and said," Now give it back."  
  
He was nursing his leg with one arm, and handed my bra over with the other hand. It was cut in just the right spots so that I couldn't use it again.  
  
"How the hell did you do that?" I said  
  
"I'm the quickest guy you'll ever meet babe." He said, still nursing the leg.  
  
"You…" I said, but I couldn't find the right words. I was extremely angry with him. I wanted to hit him again, but instead I said," You PERVERTED @$$HOLE!"  
  
He looked up at me and said," What?"  
  
I start pointing and yelling in his face as I say," You have to be the most horrible person I've ever met! How dare you treat me like this! You don't have any respect towards women at all! All you can think about is SEX! You're nothing but a filthy, degrading, immature, idiotic, ego maniac!"  
  
He stared at me, and we stood there in a moment of awkward silence. Suddenly, he broke down and started crying.  
  
"It's true!" he wined. "It's all true. I'm nothing but an oversexed pervert!"  
  
I opened my mouth to say something, but he interrupted me.  
  
"Oh Kiwi!" he said. "I am SO SORRY! It's just that… I thought you'd be more like Daisy!"  
  
"Well, I'm not!" I said.  
  
"Strawberry?" he said  
  
"PEACH!" I said  
  
"Whatever." He said. "I really mean it. I'm sorry!"  
  
He crawled over to me, I started to back off, but he grabbed me and hugged me from the side. I couldn't do anything because he pinned my arms to my sides as he hugged me in a tight grip.  
  
"Please, I'm so sorry. I'm nothing. I'm worthless. I… I can't help it, I'm a complete looser." He said  
  
This was really uncomfortable, since I couldn't move my arms. Then he did something that was totally perverted. He used his right arm to pin my arms from the back, and using his left arm, put it around my front. I almost thought he was trying to hug around my shoulders, but instead, he moved his hand to grab my breast. He continued to talk as my mouth opened in shock.  
  
"And I promise, I'll never ever bother you again. You're right, I should treat you with more respect. I think you're such a good person, and I'm such a looser."  
  
He stopped talking and then squeezed it. He looked up at me and said," Hey! Did you know, you and Daisy are both A-cups?"  
  
I was so angry, I started struggling and kicking as hard as I could. He let go when I almost kicked his stomach.  
  
"I was just letting you know." He said  
  
I didn't say anything. Instead I saw his legs open, then kicked him right in the balls as hard as I could. In Sheik's video, I learned how to do the split kick, so not only did I kick him, I followed through and kicked all the way to the ceiling.  
  
"OOOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!" he yelled as I left him hanging on my foot for a second, then let him drop. I could literally see stars in his eyes, and he curled up into a tiny ball grabbing his crotch. I decided to go and grab the heaviest trophy in that trophy rack. I went back and looked like I was going to hit his face with it. He covered his face, and instead I threw it at his balls. He yelled again, and I pointed at him again and said," Pervert."  
  
All of a sudden, Sparky came flying through a big picture of Captain Falcon. He looked and said," Yea! He deserved that! After he was touching you like that."  
  
"How did you know-" I said.  
  
"Look." He said. "Behind that picture is a peep-hole. I think he put it there. The entrance was a bit hidden, but I found it."  
  
"I KNEW IT!" I said. "This pervert was watching me undress!"  
  
"Uh oh." He said.  
  
"Get me outta here! NOW!" I said.  
  
"Sure… make a wish now."  
  
"I wish I could get out of here! I don't care where I go, just get me outta here!" I said.  
  
There was his flash of light again, and instantly I was teleported somewhere.  
  
I looked around, and saw a bunch of black military looking crates. It looked like I was in a storage area of some kind. But there was the smell of cigarettes coming from somewhere. Then I heard voices.  
  
"What was that?" said a voice.  
  
I heard footsteps coming towards me.  
  
"Who's there?" said the voice.  
  
I ducked down, and hoped he didn't see me. Then another voice spoke," Hey! Forget about it!"  
  
The first person went back to where he came, and they began to talk again.  
  
"So who we watin' for?" said another voice.  
  
"We're waitin' for the boss. He's still finishing his Linguini." Said a third voice.  
  
I recognized that voice though. It was Watoad. I don't know what he was doing, or where we were, but I was sure he was up to no good.  
  
"Didja hear about that shakedown last week?" said Watoad.  
  
"Yea, I heard you were one hellova good arm breaker."  
  
"True, True," said Watoad. "They think just cause' I'm little, I'm easy to throw around. But you should see their faces when I rip em apart."  
  
"Like a friggin' deer in the headlights!" said the first voice, and they laughed.  
  
"Hey, Watoad!" said the first voice again. It was then I realized who that voice was: Waluigi. "What's all this I hears about you poisoning the princess?"  
  
"Na, nothin' like that. Unfortunately, I only drugged her. I wish it was poison though. Stupid bitch. Na, if I'd have used poison, they would have tracked it to me. So far, she's out of the way, so our plan should go smoother since most of the security's gone lookin' for er'."  
  
"Damn good job." Said the second voice. "I'm sure the boss'll appreciate it."  
  
So, it was drugs. It was definitely in the pizza, because the mushrooms tasted strange. And they were also plotting more against me. It isn't usually like me to jump to conclusions, but if I didn't know any better then, I'd say this was some sort of organized crime.  
  
"So what about the game last night?" said Waluigi.  
  
One of them was about to talk, when suddenly I heard the door open. There was a lot of footsteps and a lot of talking. I decided to brave it and take a peek.  
  
As I looked out, I saw a large table surrounded by a bunch of people wearing nice tuxedos. On the table was cards, poker chips, guns, beer, and used ash trays with smoke still coming out. I quickly hid again as someone looked my way. Someone spoke.  
  
"Welcome gentlemen." Said a voice. "I hope-a the food was enjoyable. Consider it a compliment of the Wa's. As you know, the Wa's have, and always-a will be, the biggest reining family in all the Nintendo land. But there has-a always been one thorn in our side for our entire career. I think you all-a, know, her. She's Princess Peach."  
  
I heard grumbling and mumbling between the men. I couldn't help but be a little more nervous knowing that they all in there hated me. I then guessed who the speaker was. I took a peek again and saw, huge as always, Wario.  
  
He continued to speak," To get down-a to it, you all come-a from respectable families. Like you Don Alex. You come from a place-a called River city right?"  
  
"Yea." Said Alex. "My game was 'River City Ransom'. I was so cool back in the day. Until that no good b**ch fired me."  
  
"Exactly," said Wario. "And you, Don Jason? What-a game did you have-a before you were-a fired?"  
  
"We were the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers." Said Jason. "Stupid wh*re, firing us like that. I mean we're still cool, right?!"  
  
"Err… right." Said Wario halfheartedly. "And who could forget… Donatello?"  
  
"That's right dude!" said Donatello. "Everyone loved the 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'! We're all so pissed off still."  
  
It all was coming together now. Families, shakedown, the slang, the cheesy Italian accents. These guys were the mafia. And he brought all the 'Dons' from around Nintendo land together here in this place. All these people I fired a long time ago, and apparently they formed their own mafia.  
  
["Wait a sec." said Conker. "What do you mean by fired?"]  
  
* * *  
  
Peach giggled a bit and said," I do a lot more than you know I do."  
  
"Like what?" he said  
  
"For example, you ever wonder why you haven't seen a 'River city Ransom?' or even a 'Ninja Turtles' game? Well the nice people at Nintendo Video games HQ made me their contractor. Or even their decision maker. I decide what stays and goes. Characters come to me for contracts, advice, and sequels. Hey, it's not like I make the games, I decide based on popular vote who stays and goes. Fortunately, I fired a lot of people before the dunderheads actually write the scripts."  
  
"Oh, I see." Said Conker. "You give them contracts to work games. Funny, I never saw you there at the HQ."  
  
"I work at home." She said. "I don't go there usually, I take lots of e- mail though. Did you talk to the assistant contractor when you had your games made?"  
  
"You mean Samus right?"  
  
"Yea, she takes most of the e-mail before it reaches me. She's been awful busy with the latest games recently. I'm proud of her though, she still makes time to complete her own game after a such a long time."  
  
"Humm," said Conker. He then smiled mischievously and said," Hey what about those really crappy games that come out? You know what I'm talking about. Blast Corps, Yoshi's story 2, etcetera, etcetera."  
  
"Hey, hey hey!" she said with an annoyed look on her. "Like I said, I don't make the games, and don't write the scripts, I'm in charge of hiring and firing! Believe me, the guys in Blast Corps were promoted to janitors, and Yoshi's too much of an icon to fire. But the scriptwriters were put to shame."  
  
Conker laughed a bit and said," I was only joking. Geeze."  
  
She smirked and said," Yea yea. You can't talk Mr. 'Diddy Kong's Racing'."  
  
"Aaaw come on now," he said with a playful smile. "That was a low blow Peach."  
  
She stuck out her tongue at him and they both laughed a bit. He then said, "You're pretty important then?"  
  
"Yea, I'm the most loved and hated person and everyone in Nintendo doesn't know it. The ones that did know it, hate me. But we'll get back to that later, let's continue."  
  
* * *  
  
"So," said Wario. "It seems-a to me that we're all in agreement that she needs to be taken-a care of. What I'm askin' is-a for your support. Men, guns, ammo is what I'm askin for. You keep-a the castle guards at bay, and we makes our way inside and gets-a the dirty bi**ch. We would do it ourselves, but seein as she-a found our bank accounts and closed em, we are currently on-a shortage of-a funds."  
  
It was true. My toads are sneaky little fellows. They found the mob's account and we closed it. What he doesn't know is that we donated his money to charity. The children thank you Don Wario.  
  
"So, what do we get out of it?" said Jason.  
  
"She has a vault on the basement, the treasury is yours to rob." Said Waluigi  
  
They smiled as they laughed. Alex then spoke again," So what do you get out of all of this?"  
  
"Our business has to do with-a the Princess herself. We need her and-a nothing more." Said Wario.  
  
They were happy to oblige, and I heard the Don's say," Agreed."  
  
They all shook hands, and Wario said," Now come. I want-a to show you my billiard room."  
  
They all left the room, and only Watoad and Waluigi were still there, laughing.  
  
"Suckers," said Waluigi. "They're going for the treasury, while we make a break for the BIG dough!"  
  
"Yea!" said Watoad. "The BIG dough! But eh… what about the security?"  
  
"Forget about it!" said Waluigi. "We'll have the princess right? We only need a couple of er' body parts to make it through."  
  
They both laughed evilly as he said that, and they left the room. I was a bit worried on the fact that they knew about the hidden vault.  
  
["Hidden vault?" said Conker]  
  
Yes, a hidden vault in my castle. For security reasons, we have a secret back-door entrance to the first International Nintendo bank. It can only be opened with my password, my face print ID, my handprint ID, and breath sample. Same goes for my father as well, but we'll keep that between us, Ok? Inside the tunnel though, is an unimaginable amount of security though. If you think Zelda's castle has high-tech security, well you've never seen what's inside that (minus the stupid vine trick). The only way I can figure they found out about this is because of Watoad. He used to try so hard to get the job inside the vault, but I always refused because of his lack of competence.  
  
I had to think of a way to stop them. But it was only me. I couldn't take on the mob myself. Especially not I'm a prime target at the moment. No, I needed help; I needed a way to take on the mob. I knew exactly what to do.  
  
"Sparky!" I said.  
  
He popped out shaking," S-Scary. PEACH! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO-"  
  
"Shhhhhh!" I interrupted him. "Not so loud. And don't panic, you gotta learn to keep your cool."  
  
"But, I have trouble sometimes." He said  
  
"You gotta try still! I'm going to be counting on you! Will you help me or not?" I said  
  
"Yes, I'll help. I'll try and keep my cool." He said  
  
"That's the spirit," I said with a smile. " Now, I need a wish… I need to get out of here."  
  
"Umm… there's a problem with that." He said.  
  
"What now?" I said.  
  
"I can't grant the same wish more than twice without a slight grace period, so you'll have to wait a couple of hours. Maybe even a day." He said, lowering his head.  
  
"What?! But I haven't got a couple of hours, or a day!"  
  
"I know I know… you'll have to think of something else."  
  
I thought about it, and said," Ok how about this… I wish for the power to take on the Mafia."  
  
"OK!" he said. He shined, and sparkled again. He made a small flash, and it looked as though nothing happened.  
  
"Well?" I said.  
  
"I don't know… I'm pretty sure something happened. I don't know what though. Try it again, I promise I'll do it!"  
  
"All right. I wish for the power to take on the mafia."  
  
Again, he sparkled and flashed, but instead a vortex opened up, similar to the one Gannondorf came out of. A man stepped out wearing a dark long coat, a colorful undershirt, jean pants, very short cut hair, toting two inagrams in his hands, and had a half smirk and half angry expression on his face. He wasn't facing backwards this time though. We both stood there in awkward silence. I was the one to break the silence.  
  
"Uhh… Hi?" I said. Not the most articulate thing to say.  
  
"Hello." He said back, in a deep voice.  
  
"My name's Peach. What's yours?" I said.  
  
"Payne," he said. "Max Payne."  
  
I thought for a second, and then recognized the name.  
  
"Whoa! Max Payne? 'The' Max Payne himself? The man who took on the mob single-handedly? The man who escaped the cops to avenge his wife and daughter's death?"  
  
"Humph. Nothing I'm completely proud of. Just correcting an injustice." He said.  
  
"Oh, yea." I said. "I'm sorry to hear that. I really am."  
  
"Don't worry about it. Most of the pain is gone now. Still, the pain is there, and it won't ever go away."  
  
"I hear ya." I said. "When I was young, I lost my favorite teddy bear. I later found out that little Zelda took it and sacrificed it to her supposed 'Goddesses'. Geeze, you'd think that Polytheism died out a long time ago, but some people can be so stubborn."  
  
Obviously he wasn't interested in that, so instead he put his weapons away, and asked," So, how did I get here?"  
  
I explained about Sparky, and then explained about my current situation with the mob in the other room. He probably thought I was either crazy, or full of it. But he did believe the part about the Mob outside. Max reached in his coat and pulled out his dual inagrams.  
  
"Looks as though you can Bullet-Time, and Shoot/Dodge-Time. You just need a weapon now." He said.  
  
I didn't understand a word he said," I can what?"  
  
"Bullet-Time and Shoot/Dodge-Time," he said. "Like me. I don't know how you got it, but it will save your life."  
  
Sparky popped out of my pocket and said," That must have been what I did! I gave you Bullet-Time, and Shut-Up Time!"  
  
"Shoot-Dodge." Corrected Max.  
  
"Oh, Shoot-Dodge. Humm… Hey! You know what! You need something else too! Some new clothes! I got just the thing too!"  
  
"Ok, fine." I said as I thought about the crappy outfit I was wearing now. "I wish for a cool outfit."  
  
There was the flash, and instantly I was wearing some new clothes. I had a black long jacket like Max's, a dark green vest underneath, a dark blue tee shirt underneath, and a cool pair of oval shades in the pocket. I put on the oval shades, and smiled. The coat felt heavy, and I reached inside and found duel inagrams, a magnum revolver, and duel Berettas.  
  
"And there's a surprise for you in the pocket!" said Sparky.  
  
I looked, and found a pink bandana.  
  
"What's this for?" I asked  
  
"Infinite ammo, silly!" he said.  
  
"Oh…" I said, looking perplexed. How or why a bandana could give you infinite ammo is still a mystery to me even today.  
  
Max was looking pretty puzzled himself; I bet he believed me now. He shook his head and said," Ready? Why don't you give that Bullet-Time a try?"  
  
"Ok, but I don't see how I'm going to-" I was interrupted by something strange happening. Everything around me was moving in slow motion. Yet, I was still totally aware of what was happening. It stopped and Max said," So? Did it happen?"  
  
"Yea! That was weird!" I said  
  
"It is, but if you get it right, you can surprise your enemy and take the first shots. Now try Shoot-Dodge. Take an evasive dive in any direction and aim your weapon anywhere. Like this." He said as he jumped backwards, landing gracefully on his back, and flipping up.  
  
"Now you try," he said.  
  
"Ok." I said.  
  
I jumped backwards, and again, everything slowed down for me. This time though, I was able to move my body in any direction as quickly as I needed. This was indeed very helpful. I landed on my back, and flipped up like he did. I was pretty good at this, thanks to Sheik's videos.  
  
"Nice, very nice." He said. "Now the trick is applying it. And we've got no choice but to try it out on a few people here. Are you ready?"  
  
I had butterflies in my stomach, and I felt it moving up my throat. I was cornered, and had no other way out. Who knows what my chances of survival were, but it's a chance I had to take. I said calmly," Let's go." 


	8. The Show Must Go On

Chapter 8  
  
The show must go on  
  
Wario talked with Watoad and Waluigi in private. He grinned and said," We have-a everything-a ready for a tonight?"  
  
"All according to plan boss." Said Watoad.  
  
"No problem. We'll have that gold in no time!" said Waluigi  
  
"Yea, and because of me, things'll go smoother, ya know?" said Watoad  
  
"Because of-a you? What did you do?" said Wario.  
  
Watoad was laughing as he told the story of him drugging Peach. He laughed as he told how security is down because they went looking for her, and he marveled at his own genius for doing so.  
  
"Not bad if I do say so myself," said Watoad. "Crude, but effective. So ya see boss? Easy! No prob. I took care of it all."  
  
Watoad grinned like an idiot while Wario looked unamused.  
  
"Hey boss, what's wrong?" said Waluigi  
  
Wario shook his fists and slapped Watoad, Mafia style, picked him up, and said," WHAT'SA MATTER FOR YOU?"  
  
He slapped him again, and Watoad fell to the floor looking shaken.  
  
"You IDIOT! You realize-a that we need the Princess to open-a the doors don't ya?!" yelled Wario.  
  
"Well… I, er…" said Watoad.  
  
"What are-a we going to do if-a they don't find her?!" said Wario  
  
"I don't… know." Said Watoad.  
  
Wario shook both his hands in anger. He stomped his foot and said," We've just-a got to get our-a best man on the job. Get him-a on the phone NOW!" Yelled Wario.  
  
* * *  
  
Max and I ran down a hallway and stopped in front of a room where we heard voices.  
  
"BOSHI!" we heard them repeating to each other.  
  
"Boshies." I said. "The exact opposite of a Yoshi. The Boshi thrives on hate rather than love. They are friends to no one and their mean streak shows why. I wouldn't want to cross their path without a weapon."  
  
Max smirked and said," Humph. You have a weapon, now let's cross their path."  
  
I agreed. I busted open the door and looked around. There were 3 Boshis playing a game of cards on a table full of chips and guns. They looked up at me and their eyes bulged.  
  
"Looking for me?" I said as I fired the inagrams.  
  
Again, things slowed down for me, and I got all 3 before they were able to do anything. Max came from behind and yelled," Look out!"  
  
More Boshis came from a door on the opposite end of the room. They busted in with their guns already blasting. Max and I slow jumped in the opposite directions, firing rounds at the oncoming Boshis. I landed hard on my left shoulder, but had no time to rest. I quickly got up and had to jump again. We dogged, jumped and shot our way through the Boshis. I stood up, a bit shaken.  
  
"So, this is the kind of stuff you put up with?!" I said  
  
"No. It's not usually this easy." Said Max.  
  
"Geeze," I said. "What's that smell?"  
  
Max smelled the air and his nose wrinkled," I don't think the bodies are stinking. I think it's that room they came from."  
  
I walked towards the room, and sure enough, the smell was stronger. It was a vile and putrid stench. It smelled like something had rotted and decayed in that room. I had half the mind not to go in, but my curious side got the best of me. I held my breath and took a peek inside. From what I saw, I would have thrown up at the sight of it.  
  
The room was a slaughterhouse. Except this slaughterhouse was packing all sorts of things. One thing in particular was Yoshi. There were Yoshi parts littered throughout the room. Along the walls were crates that were marked as Cow meat. Goomba parts were beside the crate that was marked Pork. And there was red and flesh colored goo littered on the floors.  
  
I ran out and started to throw up in the corner. Max looked pretty worried, but he kept his distance. I threw up and didn't stop until my stomach was empty. Max stepped into the room to see. When I was done, he came back out and handed me something.  
  
"What's this?" I asked  
  
"Hope it doesn't make you feel worse." He said  
  
It was a clipboard with instructions on it: Delivery to Mushroom Kingdom; 5 crates cow, 8 crates pork, and 7 crates chicken. Delivery to Hyrule Kingdom; 10 crates cow, 1 crate pork, 10 crates chicken…  
  
The rest was for other places for this stuff to be delivered.  
  
Max looked at me with a serious expression and said," Looks like the mob's been working the meat factory. That means that those guys in there didn't pay homage to the Wa's. A sad but true fact of the Mob."  
  
I sat there and looked up at him. I didn't know what to say. Yoshis are the kindest of creatures that I know of. Goombas are very smart, and some are very friendly and peaceful. This was the last straw. How dare they do such a thing to them. I started to get a little teary eyed, but I kept myself under control. I wanted to get back at them. I wanted to shut them down for good. They hurt me, and they hurt my friends. It was time for a little payback.  
  
"Max…" I said quietly. "Let's go."  
  
We walked down the hallway, and saw 2 Boshis crossing the path in front. They saw us and yelled out," BOSHI! BOSHI!"  
  
Max and I quickly shot and nailed em. Instantly, 4 more Boshis opened doors from the sides and started shooting at us. I dove forward at them aiming only for the face. As I shot, I could feel a strange serge of anger overcome me. Nothing joyous, just anger as I shot them. If there was one thing I knew about Max, it was that he didn't get joy from his work. It only helped ease the pain.  
  
I got up quickly and had to dive again to avoid 3 more coming out of the door next to me. Max took care of 2, and I got the other. We both got up, and I almost crumpled to the floor again. Sparky came out and panicked.  
  
"PEACH! YOU'RE HIT! OH NO! YOU CAN'T DIE NOW, YOU JUST CAN'T!"  
  
"I…Oh, so I did get hit. It doesn't hurt that much though." I said.  
  
"Here," Max said as he handed me a bottle of Painkillers. "It'll help, trust me."  
  
I took the pills, and swallowed them. "Ok, but I don't see how it's going to h-"  
  
I stopped because almost instantly the pain was gone, and for some strange reason, my wounds were gone.  
  
"How did- what happened?!" I said  
  
"Healing items, you'll learn to love them." Said Max.  
  
"Yea. I already do." I said looking shocked.  
  
"Phew. I'm glad you're alright." Said Sparky  
  
"Yea, and don't panic like that anymore, you might get me in trouble one of these days."  
  
He lowered his head and began to pout.  
  
"It isn't that easy. When I saw those Yoshis, I wanted to cry. Then when I saw you hurt, I… well I didn't know what to do."  
  
"Sparky…" I said.  
  
"Peach, please, I don't want to loose you just because of me. I couldn't live with myself if I'd have gotten you killed or in serious trouble. If I start panicking again… well… I want you to slap me."  
  
"What?" I said.  
  
"Yea, just hit me or something to calm me down. Please. I don't want to get you in trouble."  
  
"Ok," I said, and tried to smile. "I'll remind you to not panic somehow."  
  
He smiled and went back into my coat pocket. I could tell, he needed work, but I was more then willing to give him help.  
  
Max and I continued down a series of corridors. It seemed like it was heading in a big circle. Max decided to bust down some doors and find a staircase maybe, or a ladder. All we found along the way was more Boshis. Funny thing about it, I didn't feel sorry for the Boshi's I shot. I thought I might have been going crazy, but I realized now that it was just adrenaline. Now was not the time for a morality check though. My focus at the time was one thing. Stop the Wa's.  
  
* * *  
  
"Humm…" said Wario as he looked through the paper. "Donkey Kong runs for-a mayor of New York. HA! Who'd vote-a for him anyway?"  
  
Wario put the paper down and laughed. It was his shot at pool next, when Waluigi came bursting in the room  
  
"DON WARIO, DON WARIO!" yelled Waluigi.  
  
"What is it?" said Wario as he got ready to take his shot at pool.  
  
He was breathing heavily as he said," It's… Peach. She's HERE! She's toting a heavy piece and has a mean streak to follow. She's taking out our Boshis one by one!"  
  
"Wait, you said-a Peach was here?" Wario said calmly.  
  
"Yea… But that's not the worst part! She's brought Max Payne! THE MAX PAYNE! And he's not very happy either!" he said  
  
Wario's eyes widened as he heard the words, Max Payne. All the other Don's gasped as they heard Max Payne as well. All at once, they started talking about Payne. Wario yelled out to silence them. But they all continued, fearful for their lives. Wario shot a gun with a blank to get their attention. Each man reflexively pulled a gun as they heard the shot.  
  
"Gentlemen. This won't get-a us anywhere. We know what Payne's capable of. The Punchinello Family underestimated him… and look what happened. Payne may cause-a problems, but Peach isn't-a problem. I know for a fact that she's-a pretty stupid. If-a you'll follow-a me gentlemen, I'll- a show you-a the back door. We'll escape for-a now, and we'll-a lure her to her castle, and then-a we strike."  
  
Wario showed them to a secret exit through the bookshelf, and they all left. Wario left a note on the desk for Peach.  
  
* * *  
  
"You're dead Peach!" yelled out Watoad from behind a corner.  
  
We had him trapped, but he was fortified behind a bunch of crates. He had about 3 Boshis, equipped with pump action shotguns, and he was toting duel inagrams.  
  
I looked towards Max, and he nodded. We jumped out of our places and crisscrossed in midair. We both took out the 3 guarding him. Watoad only took a few shots, but missed.  
  
I smirked and said," Just give up. Drop your weapons and I might just let you go Watoad."  
  
"Not a freakin' chance! You're gonna pay for this, in spades!" he yelled  
  
He yelled out and started firing like mad. That was, until we heard a sudden rumble.  
  
"What the-" he said  
  
Suddenly, a hole blew open through the floor. Gannondorf, came floating down, slowly and laughing his nasty laugh. Watoad stared in sheer horror. He panicked and fired his gun at Gannon. Gannon though, had some sort of magical barrier, and the bullets were absorbed in the shield.  
  
"HA HA HA! FOOL! YOU DARE DEFY THE ULTIMATE POWER OF THE ALMIGHTY GANNONDORF?!" yelled Gannondorf.  
  
Gannondorf swooped over him, and grabbed his throat. Watoad struggled to break free, but Gannon's dark grip had him to tight.  
  
"I should crush you. Right here and now for daring to shoot me." He said with an evil grin.  
  
"WAIT!" I yelled.  
  
"Eh? Peach?" he said.  
  
"No!" I said as I walked up to him. "He knows where Wario is. Don't kill him. Make him tell us where he is."  
  
"You heard her," said Gannondorf. "Tell us where Wario is, or suffer the consequences."  
  
"I…" he said while being choked. "I don't know. I don't know nothin'."  
  
"THEN YOU ARE USELESS TO ME!" yelled Gannondorf as his grip tightened.  
  
"(ACK) Wait!" Watoad yelled before Gannon delivered the crushing choke. "The Billiard room… he's there. It's downstairs. At the end of the hallway."  
  
Gannondorf smiled again evilly. He let go of Watoad, just as I said. He started to walk away, then turned around to Watoad again and pointed a finger at him.  
  
"Just one more thing." He said  
  
Gannon shot a bubble out of his finger, and it fit around Watoad.  
  
"What the f*ck is this?" said Watoad as he tried to get out of the bubble.  
  
"Should anything go wrong, like a misdirection perhaps, the bubble you are in will shrink to the size of a salt grain, and so will you."  
  
Watoad's eyes bulged as we left him there.  
  
As we continued down the corridor Gannon spoke," Tisk Tisk. Only gone 10 minutes and already you're in a heap of trouble. What would you do without me? Oh, and by the way, I also found out about what happened with you and Falcon. It was on his peeping tom hidden camera."  
  
"WHAT?! He had a camera too?!" I said.  
  
"But of course. I wondered why you even bothered with him at first. I thought you knew about him."  
  
"No I didn't. I don't see him very often at all. And now I'm glad about that. He's a filthy, oversexed, pervert."  
  
"Ha! I can't believe you didn't know that! Oh, and nice kick. He'll be feeling that even tomorrow." he laughed.  
  
"That dirty bastard. He deserves it…Hey wait. Where did you come from? And how did you find me here?!" I said  
  
"We're right under the studio! I detected your presence here still even after you left. I have a knack for finding secrets, so I found the secret entrance."  
  
"Oh…" I said as I noticed Max looking at Gannondorf's extremely long nose. "Gannondorf, this is Max. Max Payne."  
  
Gannondorf's smile widened as he shook Max's hands. "I envy your name."  
  
Max just nodded in agreement.  
  
We encountered a few more Boshis along our way, but Gannondorf said," Don't worry Ladies and Gentlemen. I'll take it from here."  
  
He simply blasted our way through all the Boshis. As we walked, I explained how Max had come along, and who we were fighting. Gannondorf smiled a bit. He probably didn't care who it was he was blowing up, as long as he got to do it.  
  
When we arrived at the billiard room, Gannon checked for traps. He then proceeded to blow down the door anyway. He charged in and started yelling and blasting left and right.  
  
"HA HA HA! MAFIA OR NO MAFIA, YOU HAVE ATTACKED MY NEW FRIEND PEACH! YOU WILL ALL PERISH!" he yelled.  
  
He kept laughing, and blasting, then his laughing died down. He came out with that annoyed expression on his face.  
  
"Well that's no fun. They already left through a trapdoor I found."  
  
It was no kidding he found it. The place was almost torn completely down.  
  
"Peach," said Max as he pointed to a singed piece of paper. "Look, that's for you."  
  
I picked it up, and tried to read the barely legible words. Gannondorf grabbed the paper and cast a spell to display the words previously written on the paper. He handed it to me, and I gasped as I read the letter. 


	9. The Hideout

Chapter 9  
  
The hideout  
  
"I'll give you credit on this one. You may have caught us off guard this time. You will pay for this Peach, and so will your precious kingdom. Meet us there at 9:00 pm. Or else we'll make a mess of your castle, including its inhabitants."  
  
"Oh, God! They're going to slaughter them! And it's…7:51 now! I-I've got to do something!" I said.  
  
I have to admit now; I was loosing my cool there. I couldn't let my people get killed on account of me. I had no idea what to do.  
  
"Humm…" said Gannondorf. "And if you go, you'll surely be killed on sight. Perhaps I should go too…"  
  
"No, you'll make a bigger mess." I said. "There's got to be a better way than blowing everything to hell."  
  
"Fine, take all the fun out of it." He said.  
  
"Or maybe," said Max. "Maybe I should go. Just me. I'll calm things down."  
  
"Would you?" I said. "You know, that's a pretty good idea."  
  
Just then, a thought struck me. We'd force Falcon to lend us his car, send Max ahead of the mob, and have him escort the castle people to safety. I'd have Max tell them to hide in the vault. Since my dad is the other one who can open the vault, he'll lead everyone to safety. It was perfect, so I told the guys.  
  
"Not bad." Said Gannondorf. "But what about me? What do I get to do?"  
  
"You? You get to guard me." I said.  
  
"Right. Fine I guess." He said.  
  
"Oh, and one more thing Max. Take this." I said as I handed him over my gravity-defying crown.  
  
"What's this for?" he said.  
  
"Proof that I sent you."  
  
He nodded and said," So, let's stop babbling, come on!"  
  
We ran out the pathway Gannon had blown away, and back into the studio. We ran back to Falcon's dressing room. Gannon stopped us, and motioned that he should go in. We waited outside the dressing room.  
  
"HA HA HA! STILL? STILL HURTS? Oh… I see, an ice pack. Ouch. Anyway, lemme borrow your car, or I'll kick you in the nuts. HA HA! Just kidding!"  
  
"He doesn't really want to talk now, so I'll talk for him." I heard Johnson say.  
  
"SO?! Well, speak up boy! Can I, or not?! Or let me rephrase that… Will I, or else?!" said Gannondorf.  
  
"Always gotta threaten someone don't you?" said Johnson.  
  
"Yes, but don't pay attention, it's a habit, so sorry." Said Gannon  
  
"Yea you can borrow it. Don't know why, but ok. Here you go." Said Johnson as he handed over the keys.  
  
"Good. You'll get your car back… Maybe! Mua ha ha ha!"  
  
"I don't care. It's not my car." Said Johnson.  
  
"Oh don't look at me like that Falcon. You know I always return the pieces." Said Gannondorf with a slight laugh in his voice.  
  
He came back out and tossed the keys to Max. Max looked at the strange keys, but said nothing. Gannondorf said," If you think that looks strange you should see his car. But quickly now, go to the parking lot down the hall. His car is very noticeable. It's blue, and shaped like a mini jet…Oh, and he has his own parking space that's pretty noticeable, take the car and when it asks,' Destination?' then you say,' to the blonde one's house. The one with the bad sideburns.'"  
  
"WHAT?" I said.  
  
"Well, that's how he programmed it, not me." He said  
  
"I'll get right on it," said Max. "So where do we meet later?"  
  
"I don't know. Where should we go Gannon?" I said  
  
"I had a place. I don't think anyone goes there anymore," He said. "We'll take the bus. It's usually empty anyway."  
  
"And it comes here?" I said.  
  
"It goes all over the place. Don't know why though, no one cares about it."  
  
"Where is it then?" said Max  
  
"I cannot tell you, in case you get caught. We need some other means of communication."  
  
"I know!" I said as I pulled out Sparky. "Sparky I wish for one of those cool radios to communicate with. You know, the ones where when you talk, you see a video of each other, and it seems as though no time passes while you talk."  
  
"I've seen those before! Those are cool! Ok, here it goes!" he said as he shined and sparkled. The flash came, and then suddenly I felt something in my ear. It was the radio.  
  
"How does it work then?" I asked.  
  
"First, to make a call, press the select button on your controller pad, then choose the predetermined frequency to make a call. Then if there seems to be nothing to say, Gannon or Max will be forced to give advice."  
  
We all stared at him, each with a blank expression on our face. To save face, he said," Just press the shiny button ok?"  
  
We did, and it started ringing. I answered and Gannon said," Well, can you hear me?"  
  
"Yea, you're right next to me." I said.  
  
"NO! Argh… Don't be an idiot. Max can you hear me?"  
  
"Loud and clear." He said  
  
"Excellent! Let's get going then!" I said.  
  
We took off our separate ways. Gannon and I went outside and waited for the bus as Max went to the parking lot and went for the car. It was getting a bit chilly outside, and the sun was already down. I looked in the distance, and saw Falcon's car speed off faster than the speed of sound. It was pretty quiet here besides that. Gannon was lost in thought, no doubt thinking about how he was going to take over the world. Each idea was as unlikely as the next, but I wasn't going to ruin his moment. I was a bit worried though if Max was going to be all right by himself.  
  
* * *  
  
Johnson heard another knock at the door. He answered it, and there was none other than Daisy waiting.  
  
"Here to see Falcon, right?" he said.  
  
"Oh, I don't know, maybe I did come to see you." She said with a wink.  
  
"Forget it. I already told you no."  
  
"Aaw, why not?" She said with a smile.  
  
"You know why! Anyone who Falcon's been with turns me off." He said  
  
She put her hands on her hips and smirked," Tricky, eh? You just wait, I'll change your mind someday."  
  
"Whatever. HEY FALCON! Your friend is here!" he yelled as he left the room.  
  
Falcon walked over slowly. He still had an icepack on his crotch, and a squeaky voice.  
  
"By the thundering colostomy bag of Apollo! If it isn't Daisy?"  
  
She saw him in pain, and went over to his side and put her arms around his shoulders. She led him back to his seat and sat down next to him. She asked him to tell what happened. He gave her his own side of the story, but she knew him better. He probably begged for sex, and then got kicked really hard in the balls. She looked at him and pretended to feel sorry for him.  
  
"Aaw, I'm so sorry Falckey. But don't worry about her; she's an idiot anyway. The only woman who could resist your charms would probably be a lesbian anyway."  
  
"Really? You mean that?" he said looking brighter.  
  
"Of course!" she said.  
  
"I KNEW IT! Peach is gay!" he said.  
  
"No, that's not what I meant- Wait… yea, just keep thinking that." She said.  
  
"No wonder… and here I was working my best charms for nothing…"  
  
"Yep," she said sarcastically. "Let me offer you a deal though."  
  
He looked at her and raised his eyebrow," What kind of offer? I hope it's one involving us getting naked!"  
  
"Maybe," she said with her mischievous smile. "I'm talking about revenge though. Sweet, revenge. I mean she can't just do that to you and get away with it now can she?"  
  
"Well…" Falcon said as he thought about it. " I don't know. It goes against the code of the Falcon to take revenge on someone so innocent. After all, it was a misunderstanding. I really don't think I should get involved-"  
  
"I'll give you a freebee." She interrupted and winked.  
  
Falcon didn't hesitate, he said," OK! SOUNDS GREAT! So, what's the plan boss?"  
  
"Two things," said Daisy. "Tonight me and Zelda have something planned at Peach's castle. I'd like for you to steal a couple things from her… I need a dress, 2 pairs of bras and panties, her earrings, and some jewelry."  
  
"STEALING?! That's also against the Falcon code! And furthermore-" he said  
  
She started rubbing his chest to make him shut up and agree. She told him what else she needed," The reason is, I'm going to take a few provocative pictures with you. And since I look so much like her, all I need is her stuff, and a bit of coloring, and there, I'm a Peach duplicate."  
  
"Ah, Very nice!" he said. "And as we do it, you'll be fulfilling my lifelong dream of scoring with Peach! Why? Because you will be her! HA HA!"  
  
She stopped and stared at him. She had gotten used to the fact that things just flew right over his head.  
  
"NO! We ruin her reputation with those pictures!" she said.  
  
"Hua? Oh, well that too…" he said.  
  
Falcon gets up and walks to the wall. He bangs the wall and calls for Johnson, getting his name wrong. Johnson comes in looking annoyed as usual.  
  
"What now?" he said  
  
"Gabriel, prepare the Falcon- mobile!" said Falcon.  
  
"The what?! Don't you mean the Blue Falcon? You lent it to Gannondorf, remember?" he said  
  
"Oh yes, we lent it out. That's right… DOH! He had Peach with him!" said Falcon as he slapped his hand to his forehead.  
  
"Can't you track it?" said Daisy.  
  
"By the crusty mucus of Athena, you're right! Jerry! Get my Blue Falcon detector!"  
  
He went over to the closet and pulled out a strange looking device. It looked more like a game boy advance than anything.  
  
"PREPARE TO TURN IT ON!" Falcon said with an ecstatic smile.  
  
"Umm… Ok, preparing to turn it on I guess…" he said with his finger on the on/off switch.  
  
"Wait for it… Wait…NOW JIMMY NOW!" he said pointing at Johnson.  
  
"Sure," he said as he calmly switched the device on. "There you go."  
  
"Good work Harry. Keep it up, and someday you might be more than a sidekick." Said Falcon.  
  
"No thanks, I like my I.Q. level where it is already." He said.  
  
Before Falcon could figure out what he meant, the device started beeping. Falcon looked at it, and was a bit confused. Seeing this, Johnson snatched it from his hands, and turned the thing right side up.  
  
"Right… Good work Victor. Now let's see… it looks as though they're headed back to the castle. Just where we want them right?"  
  
"YES!" said Daisy.  
  
"YES!" repeated Falcon. "Now let's stop wasting time! Come Jenkins! To the Falcon cave!"  
  
"What?! The parking lot you mean?" said Johnson.  
  
"Yes, that… thing. We're taking your car!" said Falcon  
  
"Oh no! You're not touching my car! Last time you did, my car ended up a cube." Said Johnson.  
  
"Well everything was going fine…until that darn cliff jumped out of nowhere!" said Falcon.  
  
"How about I drive today? We can't get in any drag racing then." Said Johnson  
  
"Bor-ring!" said both Daisy and Falcon.  
  
Johnson could tell they'd have some issues to work out, but he wasn't going to let anyone but him touch the wheel of his car.  
  
* * *  
  
The bus slowly approached the bus stop. It was a pretty new looking bus, but Gannon had said that it was do to the unpopularity of the place. The bus pulled over, and it opened to a surprised looking driver.  
  
"All… Aboard? You guys serious? You're coming?" said the driver.  
  
"YES SIR! TAKE US NOW!" said Gannondorf.  
  
The guy was startled by Gannon's yell, then he said," All right, all aboard to the Flat Zone."  
  
"Wait a minute! The Flat Zone? As in the Game and Watch flats?" I said  
  
"EXACTLY!" he yelled again. "No one in their right mind likes to go there! Sometimes people forget it's there!"  
  
"True." I said.  
  
We got inside the bus and took any seat we liked. Sparky popped out again and said," Game and Watch flats? You'll be needing this then!"  
  
Instantly, a little book appeared in my lap. It was an English to Game and Watch translation book.  
  
"Oh good, I could never understand those guys anyway." I said as I started to flip though the book.  
  
The book had pictures of Game and Watch citizens, and their many emotions. It showed happy, sad, angry, joyful, mad, tired, scared, grateful, sleepy, confused, and content. The funny thing was that all the pictures were the same; it had the Game and Watch person with his mouth open, ringing his little bell. I decided to skip all the other pictures because they looked the same too.  
  
The next section got into the real translating. I was looking up greetings, and I found that you say 'Beep Beep' to say 'hello'; you say 'Beep Beep' to say 'how are you?'; you say 'Beep Beep' to say 'where is the restroom?'; and then you can say 'Beep Beep' to say 'will you ring my bell?' This was ridiculous.  
  
"This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard of!" I said out loud. "All they do is make beeping sounds! How does anyone expect to understand them?!"  
  
"The beep of a thousand words," said Gannondorf. "Luckily for me, I already know their language."  
  
"What?! How?!" I said.  
  
"Being trapped in an interstellar vortex for a couple of years kind of makes you bored after a while."  
  
"I see." I lied.  
  
Sparky though, had a better idea," How about this? I'll put a translator in that radio of yours, so all you have to do is listen in that ear."  
  
He adjusted it for me, so now I could understand the mysterious language of the Game and Watch.  
  
The ride was long, so Gannondorf tried to entertain us both with some trivia in the Game and Watch book.  
  
"Ok, question number 3! Who can move with more frames-per-second; Mr. Game and Watch, or Al Gore?" said Gannon  
  
That was a tough one. Sparky and I thought hard for a moment, then I answered," Mr. Game and Watch?"  
  
"CORRECT!" he said, scaring us all again. "Now question number 4! Mr. Game and Watch himself once tried out for a major motion picture. He was overlooked by whom, what was the movie, and why?"  
  
We thought hard for a moment but nothing clicked in my head. Sparky though thought of something.  
  
"Oh, I know! It was Titanic! He was overlooked by Leonardo De' Capriole! And it was because he was bald!"  
  
"Oooh! Very nice! You deserve a golden star for that one!" said Gannondorf. "Next question, Although Game and Watch did star in one move, he was in the background, but nobody noticed him. What movie was it, and why did no one notice him?"  
  
I knew that one, I read about it in one of those websites made by people who have nothing else better to do than point out movie errors.  
  
"He was in Braveheart! It was in the first war scene, I remember. They told him to turn to the side so they can see him, but he was looking straight and became flat. Therefore, nobody noticed him. But you do notice someone's foot get crushed by some invisible guy… OH! And he died and laid down, and still no one notice him!"  
  
"Show off." Said Gannondorf. "You may think you're pretty smart, but wait until my next question-"  
  
"We're here!" interrupted the driver.  
  
"Ah, very good sir." Said Gannondorf. "We'll save this for later."  
  
We all got off, and looked around. There was nothing but a bunch of mountain area, and forest behind us. I turned around and noticed a strange looking door on the rock wall. It was kind of hard to see because the door was black, and it was dark outside. As we approached the door, it seemed to follow us, just so it could face forward all the time.  
  
"Darn two dimensional objects. They're a bit tricky sometimes, you gotta look them just right for them to open."  
  
Sure enough he was right, I couldn't open it from the side because it wasn't against the wall completely. When I did open it, the door opened to a whole different looking dimension.  
  
Everything in this new dimension looked as though a child drew it. There was everything from stick-looking houses, to blotchy two-dimensional people walking around. As we walked around our feet no longer made the usual click click sounds of footsteps, but rather beep noises like those of a hand held pocket game. I was too busy looking at the surroundings to notice that people had started to stare and gather around us. They started making beeping sounds at us, which then translated in my ear.  
  
"Well I'll be! Tourists!" said one.  
  
"Golly gee gosh! It's super swell to see someone new here!" said another.  
  
"Jeepers! We don't get many tourists here!" said another.  
  
"We do, once every 10 years or so." Said another  
  
"Hey! Hey! Over here!" yelled one. "Look over here! Remember me? I'm in Smash Melee with you guys!"  
  
The one calling us out started ringing an annoying little bell in his hands to get our attention. I looked over and saw him. He was just like we remembered… But the only thing was that now there were about 20 more people who looked exactly like him. The only real way I could tell it was him was due to the fact that he was calling us out.  
  
"Umm… hi." I said, not exactly sure what to say. I mean because I've never socialized with the guy.  
  
"HELLO!" yelled Gannondorf, scaring the people.  
  
"Hi! Welcome to the Flat Zone. What brings you here?"  
  
"Looking for a place to hideout." I said.  
  
He looked down a little, and he was probably taken aback a little.  
  
"Oh… that's it. Not just visiting?" he beeped.  
  
"Sorry." I said.  
  
"It's ok. No one really likes to purposely, come here." He beeped.  
  
"Hey, can we talk somewhere else? Away from the crowd?" I asked  
  
"Sure! Come on by my house! We haven't had visitors in a long time…" he beeped. "Well… I won't lie, I've never had visitors."  
  
I couldn't help but feel sorry for these poor guys. I mean they helped make our world what it is today, and look at them now. We forget them all, and we've forgotten what we owe them.  
  
"Love to." I said.  
  
"Good! Now let's hurry, a storm's coming today!" he beeped.  
  
We followed him to a two dimensional house that looked like a two year old drawing would be an improvement. We followed him to the house as we noticed a bunch of flat and black clouds appearing over our heads. We were about to go inside, when Gannondorf stopped, and put his hand on my shoulder.  
  
"Now listen here," he said. "I want you to understand that Game and Watches are a bit…old fashioned. They may not have the latest equipment, or the latest anything for that matter. But the fact is, I don't want you to make any rude remarks, or say anything stupid about it."  
  
"Yea, sure dad!" I said sarcastically  
  
"I'm serious!" he said. "They're very simple and sensitive people. Do not make a fool of us!"  
  
We stepped inside the little house, and we were totally amazed. The inside of the house was in perfect 3-D, but still black and white. The style of the house was maybe around the 1940's, to 1950's. For lack of a better idea, I'd say something more like from the movie Pleasantville.  
  
Game and Watch took off a coat that was apparently on him, and an invisible hat. He placed them on the coat rack next to the door. He then but a briefcase on the floor as he beeped," Honey! I'm home!"  
  
Like clockwork, a female Game and Watch came in from the side wearing what looked like a dress and an apron. She pecked him on the cheek as she beeped," Hello dear. Dinner's almost ready. I've roasted a large turkey with stuffing and gravy for the main course."  
  
"Sounds swell." He beeped. "Where are those kids?"  
  
"Children! Your father's home!" yelled the lady.  
  
Instantly, these 2 little Game and Watches came downstairs and said almost at the same time," Hello father!"  
  
They came down and gave him a hug. This was when we came in from the doorway. They all took notice of us then.  
  
"Honey, who's that?" said the lady.  
  
"Oh, where are my manners?" said Game and Watch. "Honey, these are the people I work with in Smash Melee. She's the princess from the Mushroom kingdom, and this is a killer evil wizard from Gerudo."  
  
"Oh! I know you! You're Princess Peach, and you're the Evil Gannondorf! Pleased to meet you!" said the wife. When she said this we heard a laugh track, like the kind from a funny sitcom. Gannondorf and I looked around to see where it came from.  
  
"Right back at ya!" I said with a fake smile. Gannondorf probably didn't expect this old fashioned, so he just nodded.  
  
"Gosh, we don't get to many outsiders here in Superflat world now do we dad?" said the little one, which was apparently male because he didn't have the little dress looking thing that the other had.  
  
"No son, not much at all. Say, would you like to stay for dinner?" he asked us.  
  
"Yea! Please stay!" said the daughter.  
  
"Please?!" said the son.  
  
Again there was the laugh track, and again we looked around.  
  
"Sounds good… I guess. You don't mind?"  
  
"Of course not! I made plenty for all!" said the wife.  
  
"Good, then we shall dine tonight!" said Gannondorf, and the laugh track sounded again. "Well there it goes again."  
  
They all went to go prepare for us. Gannondorf and I stood there.  
  
"So… old fashioned?" I said.  
  
"Well I didn't expect this! But like I said, don't make a buffoon of yourself!" he said.  
  
That was hard to do. I had to fight an insane urge to say something.  
  
"I seriously hope I can survive dinner." I said  
  
"I hate to say it, but so do I" said Gannondorf.  
  
But now, I could only wait for Max to call and report in. It was about 8:30 now, and I could only wonder what's going on at the castle. 


	10. Maximum Payne

Chapter 10  
  
Maximum Payne  
  
The ship had arrived at Peach's castle in no less than 10 minutes. Max unglued himself from the seat, stepped out, and clicked the car alarm on. He approached the front gate guards, who apparently looked impressed by his ride.  
  
"Daaaamn! What is that?" said one.  
  
"Kick @$$ ride!" said the other.  
  
"We've no time for that. Your lives are in danger." Said Max  
  
Their smiles dropped, and they looked at each other.  
  
"That can't be, we heard Bowser got injured recently." Said the first one.  
  
"It's not the usual suspects today. Gentlemen, what I'm about to say may shock you…" he said as he reached inside his pocket for Peach's crown. "Look at this and listen to me carefully."  
  
The guard grabbed it, and examined it, and his jaw dropped open.  
  
"WHERE DID YOU-?" he said  
  
"Peach herself gave it to me. Now listen…" he said as he told them about the oncoming danger.  
  
"Oh no! We can't take those guys by ourselves!" said the second one.  
  
"I don't expect you to. That's my job…" he said as he whipped out his pump-action shotgun. "We gotta get everyone to safety, especially the king. So come on!"  
  
They opened the doors and all went in. The second guard started alerting the castle, while the first one took Max to the king. Max heard some kind of loud bell sound as he ran with the little toad person. They busted into the king's chamber, and gave him quite a start. It wasn't everyday some dude bursts in with a shotgun.  
  
The king, a small mustachioed toad person with a crown, stared at Max, but mainly at the weapon in his hands.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?!" he said  
  
"Your majesty, you're in grave danger…" said Max. He began to calmly explain the situation, and the king looked puzzled.  
  
"But why? Why would they do such a thing now?" he said.  
  
"Hell if I know. All I know is that your daughter sent me to save you." Said Max, as he showed the crown to him. The king examined the crown, and jumped out of his seat.  
  
"Oh my! This really is hers! That means she's safe isn't she? Please tell me how she is, we've been worried sick!" he said  
  
"She's fine. In fact, she's hiding out somewhere, which is what we should be doing now." Said Max  
  
"Where is she hiding?" he said  
  
"I don't know, they couldn't tell me. But that's not important now!" said Max as the alarm bell sounded in their area. "We need to get you to safety! Get to the vault!"  
  
The king knew that he was serious. Peach doesn't just give the vault information to just anyone. She only gives it to those who've been trustworthy. Besides, he just looked cool.  
  
"All right… Sir… I didn't catch your name." he said  
  
"The name's Payne. Max Payne. Come with me if you want to live." He said Terminator style.  
  
The king and his guards started towards the vault, and Max checked around the castle for people who didn't know about the alarm. He made extra sure that every nook and cranny was checked out. Finally he went to the basement with the king again.  
  
"Max Payne? Aren't you the same person who single-handedly took on the mafia?" asked the king  
  
Max half smirked, and nodded. "So you've heard of me? Word spreads I see."  
  
"Quite. Aren't you coming?" he said.  
  
Max shook his head and said," 'Fraid not your highness. I'll be the one shooing them out of the house."  
  
He cocked back his shotgun and slung it over his shoulder. The king looked a little worried. He believed in Max's capabilities, but he wondered if his castle wouldn't turn into a crater war zone first.  
  
Seeing this, he said," Don't worry your majesty, I'll try not to wreck anything."  
  
The king took one last glance before the door shut behind him.  
  
* * *  
  
Zelda and about 5 of her personal troops were heading up the hill to overlook the castle. She motioned for one of them to hand her the binoculars. She took a look around, and noticed most of the lights were turned off. A bit strange since it was so early. She took out her radio and called in to Daisy.  
  
"Daisy, It's me, do you read me? Over." Said Zelda.  
  
"Yea I do…SHHHH be quiet!" she said, apparently talking to someone else too.  
  
"Who's that? Did you get Falcon? Over." Said Zelda.  
  
"Yes, this numbskull is making too much noise." She said.  
  
"You know, you both never told me what we were doing." Zelda heard someone else say.  
  
"Now who was that? Over." Asked Zelda.  
  
"That was his sidekick Johnson. Don't worry about him." Said Daisy  
  
"Just make sure he doesn't get in the way. Now to the plan at hands. You'll make your way in around the right side, and my men and I will sneak in the upper left side. Then Operation Humiliation will commence. Over." Said Zelda.  
  
"Then we do our thing, and you do yours. Then rendezvous back at your place." Said Daisy.  
  
"Roger that. And Daisy? Try and use more radio talk please? At least try and sound professional. Over and out."  
  
Zelda then looked out the binoculars again, making sure no one was there. Suddenly, she noticed a couple of dark shadowy figures sneak in the back door. She watched them closely as they sneaked in, one by one. She couldn't help wonder what they were up to. She motioned for one of her troops to come next to her and take a look. He saw them to, and then he pointed out a bunch of expensive looking cars drive up around the castle. This sparked up some more curiosity in Zelda. She decided to radio in to Daisy.  
  
"Daisy? Did you see those weirdoes go into the castle? And do you see the cars? Over." She said  
  
"I sure do. What is that? Over." Said Daisy.  
  
"I don't know… And who knows what they're up to. Over." Said Zelda  
  
"What if they came for Peach too? Over." said Daisy.  
  
"Or they could be burglars. Over." Said Zelda.  
  
"Maybe…" said Daisy. Just then a horrible thought came to her mind. "Zelda? What if they came to…hurt her?"  
  
Zelda could tell by the worried expression in her voice that she was not playing around. Personally, physically hurting Peach was not what she wanted to do. Far from it. She just wanted to humiliate her, and make her pay for all the humiliation Peach's caused her. Sure she does loose her temper all the time, and fights with her, but it was always the spur of the moment kind of thing. Just then another thought hit her.  
  
What if they came to hurt her, or worse? Even I know she makes a lot of enemies. What could these people want with her? And if they did do something, the blame would probably come to me and Daisy. We do have a bad rivalry history anyway. This could cause a big time war between our kingdoms, and that's the last thing I want…it's not like I care about her… it's just that…well…so I do care, just a bit. But I won't let anyone know. Besides, if anyone has the right to hurt her, it's me. And I won't stand for those intruders. We have to alert the castle, and save this for another day. Yes, we'll save this for… oh, tomorrow.  
  
"Hello? You still there?" said Daisy.  
  
"Yea, sorry. Listen, we need to get in there and stop those guys. They'll ruin everything. We'll save the mission for tomorrow. But for now, we must… ugh, I hate to say it, but save the princess. I mean how bad would it make us look to do this to her while she's injured, or dead even? Over." Said Zelda.  
  
"I was thinking the same thing. So tomorrow it is then? Over." Said Daisy.  
  
"Yes, save it for tomorrow. Let's go. Over and out." Said Zelda.  
  
Zelda and her troops advanced on the sadly dark castle. She couldn't help this feeling like no one was there in the first place; it just looked too quiet. As they approached the back of the upper left hand corner of the castle, she noticed a light turn on in one of the windows. It seemed more like candlelight, but then again, it seemed like a beam of light. She didn't know what that was, but didn't think any more of it.  
  
There was the small moat in the front they still had to pass, and they just so happened to have grapples on them. Zelda and her troops swung their hooks, and latched on to the top of the castle. She and her crew then swung across the moat, and scaled the wall. They pushed open a window and went inside a dark room. They all recoiled their hooks and put it back in their backpacks. She stopped for a sec to breathe the air. She'd never really been out adventuring herself, and frankly she quite enjoyed it.  
  
Why should Link have all the fun? I should do this more often.  
  
She had never felt so alive before. She liked the idea of more adventure, and promised herself to do it more often. Right now she was on top of the world. Everything seemed to be going as planed, and nothing could disturb her in her moment. Everything… except that man who came out of the shadows with a shotgun pointed at her face.  
  
* * *  
  
It looked like the Mafia was just on time. They had their covert ops guys coming in the top floor, just like Max had expected. He was ready though. He caught them off guard, and they had seconds to live.  
  
"P-please don't k-kill me!" said the female one.  
  
"Ha! Funny. I'd laugh if I could remember how." Said Max.  
  
"Really! We're unarmed! You wouldn't shoot an unarmed girl now would you?" she said.  
  
"Looks like you came equipped. Nice pack." Said Max as he nudged at her pack.  
  
"Umm… Princess? What should we-" said one of the stooges in the corner.  
  
"Princess? You're a princess?" said Max.  
  
"Yes. I am. I am Princess Zelda of Hyrule castle." She said.  
  
"Princess Zelda eh? I've heard of you. Peach was telling me all sorts of things about some weird bitchy lady. That's you isn't it?"  
  
She gritted her teeth and resentfully said," Yea… That's me."  
  
He smirked and pointed it at her still.  
  
"In that case, she'd probably want me to wound you, just for breaking and entering." He said.  
  
She started to sweat, and shook nervously. Then they heard a noise outside. It sounded like creeping, or sneaking. The second Max let his guard down, Zelda flicked her magical wrists and a jet of wind shot the gun out of Max's hands.  
  
"HA! Never look away from me, Zelda the great!" she said  
  
Max reached inside his trench coat and pulled out his duel inagrams, then pointed them at her. Being caught off guard, she started sweating and shaking again.  
  
"Zelda the great?" he said with a smirk. "You know, I was just kidding about the wounding part. But just for that I'm going to have to frisk you for weapons, sweetheart."  
  
"WHAT?!" she said.  
  
The guards stirred, and Max pointed the weapons at them. "Look, I don't trust you. I don't trust any of you. If you want me to let you off, you're going to have to cooperate with me. It's standard police procedure."  
  
"But, but…" said Zelda.  
  
"I think you'd better do it." Said one of the guards who was nervously eyeing the guns.  
  
"Don't think I'd let you guys off either. All of you, Hands against the wall, NOW!"  
  
They all did as they were told. Max then patted them all down for concealed weapons.  
  
"You all seem clean. But I don't trust you. I think it's cavity search time."  
  
"WHAT?!" said all of them.  
  
"You heard me, all of you! Drop em! NOW!" he said as he clicked his inagrams.  
  
Reluctantly, all of them dropped their pants and stood in their underwear, facing the wall.  
  
"Well aren't you lucky? I gotta get some white gloves from the kitchen. You stay here, all of you. And if any of you moves so much as a muscle…I'll blow your knee caps off."  
  
Zelda just stood there, shaking in anger. Max quietly locked the door and left the room. He knew exactly what they would do. They'd tell him that they were on his side; they'd want to help him; they'd get in his way; then they'd get killed. He couldn't let innocents get hurt, and it was for their own good anyway. Now to find the intruders.  
  
* * *  
  
Johnson and Daisy were sure they saw someone exit a door. He could only guess that was one of the intruders. Falcon was too busy looking in a mirror he brought, cleaning his teeth. He had this strange feeling he'd be doing all the dirty work against his will again. And he wasn't to far off from that. Daisy grabbed his arm and swung him in front.  
  
"Ok brave Johnson. You take the lead!" she said.  
  
"Wait a minute! I'm the hero here! And I make the decisions!" said Falcon  
  
"Fine," said Johnson. "Be my guest."  
  
"Yes! And as the leader, I say: Willy! Take the lead!" he said.  
  
That was pointless. But he had an ego the size of the Lylat System. He had to feel like he was the boss, or in charge, even if he's not.  
  
So Johnson took the lead. He was a pretty good sneak, and listened closely. He heard voices coming from the room where the man came out. They approached the door with caution, and he placed his ear over it. He heard voices arguing inside.  
  
"So… we're really going to sit here and wait?" said one  
  
"OF COURSE!" said another one. "That guy looks crazy. Who knows what he'll do!"  
  
"Grr… Typical Riffraff!" said a snooty female voice. "That man was only looking for some excuse to see my royal undergarments! And STOP LOOKING YOU!"  
  
"Sorry Princess." Said one.  
  
It sounded like Zelda. They said princess, so it must be her.  
  
"It's Zelda, sounds like they've been captured." Said Johnson.  
  
"By the itchy butt crack of Aphrodite! We must rescue her!" said Falcon.  
  
"It's locked." Said Johnson.  
  
"Then stand back Eugene! FALCON-" he yelled.  
  
Johnson grabbed his arm and said," NO Shhhh! Be quiet! Don't attract attention here!"  
  
"Yes, you're right, good thinking Jeffery." Said Falcon.  
  
Johnson reached inside his side pouch for what he needed. He always carried nifty devices such as: A pen light, a small lock pick set, an electronic lock pick, batteries, and other useful devices. He grabbed his penlight and lock pick, and masterfully unlocked the door. They all stepped in and their mouths dropped open.  
  
There were 5 people wearing black shirts, all with their pants down. Some of them wore hearts on their boxer shorts. Another one wore a thong for some reason, while another wore an exotic tiger bikini bottom. Zelda had the funniest briefs though. Hers was an official "Legend of Zelda" panties, with a big Triforce symbol on her butt, and pictures of her and Link outlined across the elastic. This moment was too much for Johnson and Falcon to resist. They both pulled out their miniature 'Blackmail' cameras and took several pictures.  
  
"Hello?" said Zelda, who didn't turn around.  
  
"Oh Zelda, turn around and smile please." Said Falcon.  
  
"HUA?!" said Zelda as she turned around. When she did, Falcon and Johnson took a snap at her again. "WHAT THE-?"  
  
Daisy couldn't help but start giggling. Johnson and Falcon quickly put their cameras away. And Zelda stood there, in shock.  
  
"HOW-LONG-WERE-YOU-THERE?!" Zelda uttered in sheer horror.  
  
"Not too long, they just came in, and WOW, what a surprise!" said Daisy.  
  
"FOR YOUR INFORMATION! I WAS BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL! AND FURTHERMORE-!" Zelda yelled.  
  
"SHHHH!!" said Johnson as he covered her mouth. "Shut up you! You wanna attract attention or what?"  
  
Zelda stared at him as though he was the rudest person in the world. She looked him right in the eyes and said," How dare you! Daisy! Who is this little degenerate?!"  
  
"That's Johnson. Falcon's sidekick." Said Daisy.  
  
"Johnson is it?! Well then Mr. Johnson, you've just gotten on my bad side! And you should know, that's not the side you wanna be on. Mark my words you little rapscallion, you'll rue the day you messed with me!"  
  
"Whatever." He said, walking away and waving the back of his hand at her.  
  
She continued to stare at him, for even daring to be insolent to her. But Johnson couldn't care less, there were more important things to do anyway. Suddenly, the silence was broken by the sound of gunfire. Rapid firing semi-automatic weapons.  
  
The shot was so loud and so sudden, that both Daisy and Zelda jumped at the same time into Johnson's arms. Obviously, he wasn't strong enough to carry them both, so they fell and sat on him.  
  
"Ger off e. GERR OFF E" said Johnson with Daisy's back on his face. They got off, and Johnson got up and dusted himself off. Then the gunfire sounded again, and they jumped back on him.  
  
"By the Flaky head crust of Hermes! It sounds like a war zone down there! Quickly Cassidy, we must calm this down… Harold? Hey! Quit fooling around!" said Falcon as he saw the girls sitting on him. "Lucky Dog. And I thought Daisy liked sitting on my face only."  
  
* * *  
  
The mob had pulled out all the stops on this one. Boshis, alien-lizard looking things, and these strange Pig-Cops came along for the ride. They had guns, flamethrowers, and explosives. Luckily the castle was stone and hard to catch fire, but unfortunately he wasn't hard to catch fire.  
  
As Max stood from the top floor looking down at the oncoming mob, he couldn't help wonder who the masked people in black were. He had only gotten a glimpse of them separating. He wished at the moment he had an explosive to throw down there. Instead he got out his duel inagrams, and started firing. He managed to whack about 4 before they sent a return fire. He dogged to the left and kept shoot dodging until he made it to the middle again, and back into the door. He looked around in the guest room to find a place for cover. He quickly grabbed a couple of thick tables and barricaded himself near the door. Suddenly, they burst in from two doors, one from the side, and one from the front. Max used the tables for cover as he dived in and out of his cover to make shots. He took a couple of hits, but it didn't bother him too much, he quickly took his painkillers to heal up. Some of the alien-lizard looking things went to the front row toting the flamethrowers. Max's table would burn with these, and he knew he'd have to make a break for it. He busted open the door as he felt the warmth of the scorching flames behind him. They didn't let up though; they chased him down that hallway. Max had to run backwards and fire at them. The lizard men had pretty thick hides, and headshots worked but were hard to do. A huge jet of flame came his way, and he jumped to the left, narrowly escaping the flame. He sent a return fire back at it.  
  
*BOOM*  
  
He accidentally hit its flame pack instead, causing a big explosion. The shockwave sent him flying into a wall. Slowly he got up, and shook his head. The others were pretty far behind him, so he kept going. Away tactics were always the best when you're outnumbered.  
  
Suddenly, Max noticed that down the hall to his left was one of those masked people. This person was covered in some sort of black thermal suit. They had a mask, and night vision goggles covering the eyes. This person definitely looked like a black-ops. Probably up to something secret, or devious. Whatever it was, it wasn't good.  
  
This person did notice Max. Max noticed the small frame and the chest. This was a female in a suit. She pulled out a silenced pistol at him, and shot. She connected twice before he could even pull out his shotgun. He did move to avoid the third shot, but she was very quick. She charged him, knelt and fired again. Max moved, and returned fire, his first shot missing. He pumped and shot again, missing again. She jumped in midair and somersaulted over Max's head, landing behind him. Before he was able to turn around, she had gotten him again. Luckily for him, the healing was still in process.  
  
Max couldn't continue to fight like this; she was way to fast for him. He evasive dodged until he went behind a door. He heard shots coming and trying to tear through the door. Behind the door, he noticed a strange looking doorstop, he picked it up and said," Fire in the hole!"  
  
He threw it out, and he had gotten the reaction he expected. She moved out of the way to avoid it. He then ran out, and caught her off guard.  
  
*Blam! *  
  
It was over. He was the winner. Somehow, that didn't comfort him. He went over to her stone cold body, and lifted the mask. He revealed the face of a woman. She somehow looked different from the rest. She didn't look like she was from the mob; in fact, She didn't look like she belonged here at all.  
  
She's not from the mob. The style's too different from the mob. I'm willing to bet that whoever these people are, they've got different motives.  
  
He didn't have time to think about it anymore. He took more painkillers, and then moved.  
  
No sooner had he moved, then another black-ops came in. This one was a guy. He noticed the dead one on the floor, then pulled out his rifle. Max dodged into the doorway he was previously going. He then hid behind the doorway to ambush the guy. He followed Max into the doorway, and Max from the side smacked him hard with the butt of his shotgun. He fell on his back, and Max wasted no time in pumping the gun. He was about to fire, but surprisingly the guy was still in the fight, and kicked the gun out of his hands. He rolled up to his feet, pulled out a knife from his boots, and charged Max.  
  
Max grabbed onto his arms, and they locked onto each other. The man backed him against the wall and forced the knife to Max's throat. Closer and closer came the knife, until Max kneed him in the stomach. The guy drew back against the opposite wall, and threw the knife. Max barely moved in time for the knife to hit the wall. The guy pulled out his other knife, and tackled Max. This time, they were on the floor struggling. And once again, he tried to force the knife to Max's face. Max wasn't as strong as this guy, and he was getting closer, and closer to his neck. Max didn't know what else to do. The guy was stronger than him, and the knife was almost on his flesh. Suddenly, the guy was pulled off.  
  
* * *  
  
Falcon and Johnson had noticed people fighting on the floor. Johnson recognized the one on the floor. He was that same guy with Peach when Gannon had asked for the car. Falcon ran to help out, Johnson followed. Falcon grabbed the man off with his great strength. Falcon had his him by the back, and tossed him over to Johnson. As the guy came flying towards Johnson, he readied his arm, and gave him an extremely strong elbow smash. The guy bent backwards, and Johnson turned him around, kneed him in the groin. With his body bent forward now, Johnson grabbed his face, pushed it back, seeped his leg, and he hit the floor hard, knocking all the air out of him.  
  
"Tony! BATTER UP!" said Falcon.  
  
Johnson knew what this meant. They had combos they had both made up. Johnson picked up the guy, who could hardly stand now, and held him by the arm.  
  
"FALCON PUNCH!" yelled Falcon as he Falcon punched the guy. The Fire falcon sent the guy flying. He smashed against the wall making an indention of him.  
  
"Good work Frank." Said Falcon.  
  
The man they saved got up, dusted himself off, and just stared at them both.  
  
"Thanks," he said. "You're that Falcon person right?"  
  
"YES!" said Falcon as he smiled ecstatically. He stood there, as though waiting for a cue. He nudged Johnson and said," Pssst! Say it!"  
  
Johnson was always annoyed by this," And I'm his trusty sidekick Johnson."  
  
"Uh hua," he said, apparently not impressed. "So what are you guys suppose to be in those getups? Superheroes?"  
  
Johnson and Falcon looked at each other, then smirked.  
  
"You could say that. More like superheroes for hire." Said Johnson.  
  
"YES! As long as there is money or sex, WE'LL BE THERE!" said Falcon.  
  
"So what you're saying is," said Max. "You guys are dressed like superheroes for some reason, but are more like mercenaries, or bounty hunters?"  
  
"Don't think of it in a bad way. I mean even Superman had to pay the rent somehow!" said Falcon.  
  
Max smirked and said," I see, but-"  
  
He was interrupted by the sound of gunfire. They all backed up and returned fire, Falcon with his trusty berretta sidearm, and Johnson with his desert eagle. Max took a suicide dive forward at the attackers, which almost made Johnson cry out to him. He handled himself well, nailing each one of the attackers, and crippling them. Max took a leap backwards, again nailing the onslaught of creatures that came from the door.  
  
Johnson didn't know who or what those things were. He glanced at Falcon who, like him, had a puzzled look on his face. He could have sworn though, that one of those creatures looked like a Yoshi.  
  
"MOVE!" yelled Max. A grenade came through the door, and they all ran out the back way.  
  
*BOOM*  
  
They made it safely to the other room. As Johnson got up, he turned around, and stood face to face with none other than Zelda.  
  
"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU GUYS DOING?!" she yelled. "I'm hearing gunfire, explosions, and crashes! What are you doing?!"  
  
"Trying to stay alive if you don't mind!" said Johnson.  
  
"Well try and keep it down won't you?!" she said.  
  
He hoped that she wasn't serious, but apparently she was.  
  
"AND YOU!" said Zelda. "How dare you leave us there like that! And exposing me like that was uncalled for! I-"  
  
"Lady! I don't give a shit about your problems. Right now you either shut up, and cooperate; or face about 40 mobsters, all equipped with guns bigger than mine. The choice is yours." Said Max.  
  
There was a fury inside Zelda that Johnson could tell was just itching to get out. She was just about ready to explode completely. Being a princess, she must not be used to being treated like this. Obviously, her parents had spoiled her rotten. But even Johnson had to admit; she looked pretty hot, even when she was angry.  
  
"There's only 1 thing to do then!" said Falcon. "We must call for reinforcements! Aaron! Prepare the Falcon phone!"  
  
"You have the cell phone dummy!" said Johnson.  
  
Falcon checked his belt, and found it. "Well I'll be! Good work Glenn."  
  
Max looked at Johnson and asked," Out of curiosity, since when did you get so many names?"  
  
"Don't worry about it." Said Johnson. "He's really bad with names. And I mean reeeeelly bad! Although he does remember the names of all the girls he's slept with."  
  
Falcon waited, and someone picked up. Falcon said," Hello! Pizza Hut? Yes, it's me, your favorite customer. Gimme 3 large pizzas, with extra pepperonis, 4 cheeses, and a side of breadsticks to go! And make it snappy!"  
  
He hung up and smiled. Max, Daisy and Zelda stood there, flabbergasted.  
  
"YOU ORDERED PIZZA?! NOW?! WHAT'S THE USE OF THAT?! WHAT THE HELL IS THE PIZZA GUY GOING TO DO?!" Yelled Zelda.  
  
"What is he gonna do? Bleed on them? Then hope they'll trip on it?" said Max.  
  
"Relax guys," said Johnson. "It's today's password for backup."  
  
"Password? Backup?" said Daisy as she shook her head.  
  
"We have a small heroes guild. During an emergency, if we need backup, we give the special code for the day, and help is on the way!" said Falcon with a big toothy grin.  
  
Suddenly, 3 pig cops busted in. Taking everyone by surprise, they all jumped to the floor. Zelda, disgusted by the mutant pigs, shot out a wind spell from her hands. The spell blew the pigs over, making them drop their weapons. Johnson, Falcon, and Max took advantage, and took a couple clean shots at them.  
  
When they walked back, Max gave Zelda a little smirk to show his appreciation. Zelda, returned the smile.  
  
"Impressive," said Max. "My mistake for not letting you come earlier. I apologize."  
  
She folded her arms and said," Well thank you. That's all you had to say."  
  
Even Johnson had to admit, she wasn't bad, just misunderstood at times.  
  
"Wow! Good job Zelda! That didn't suck!" said Daisy.  
  
Zelda's eye twitched as she said that.  
  
"Yes! Very nice work for a scrawny, little, A-cup, lady like yourself!" said Falcon as he saluted her.  
  
Zelda clenched her fists, and looked at Falcon harshly. Johnson interrupted this by saying," Hey, we'd better move now. They're still coming, we gotta hold our grounds somewhere until backup comes."  
  
"I know where," said Max. "There's a staircase that goes to the tower. We'll hit the top floor, and take to the high grounds."  
  
"Sounds like a plan! So, let's get our thumbs out of our asses and go!" said Johnson.  
  
They went down the hallway and up a small flight of stairs. They approached a set of double doors, and heard noises inside.  
  
"What's that?" said Daisy.  
  
"Probably my men," said Zelda. "I told them to wait for me upstairs."  
  
Johnson wasn't so sure though. He grabbed Zelda's wrist to stop her from barging in. He motioned for her to be quiet, then pressed his ear against the door. Inside, he heard the sound of spray painting and laughing. He didn't know what that was, so he told them to ready their weapons. They burst in with their weapons pointed out. Inside was quite a surprise.  
  
* * *  
  
They walked in and saw, none other than; Jak and Daxter; Crash Bandicoot; and the man from Grand Theft Auto 2. They had all broken in through a window on the side. Each one of them had a can of spray paint in their hands, spraying very rude and inappropriate messages on the wall about Nintendo. They were obviously vandals, and very zealous about the rivalry between the Nintendo universe and Playstation universe. Their sudden presence had startled them so much, that they dropped their cans and raised their hands.  
  
"Aaaah! Don't shoot!" said Daxter, the little prairie dog looking thing. Jak was a young looking adventurer with elf ears like Zelda's. Zelda didn't approve him although.  
  
"Well, well. If it isn't Timon and Pumba." Said Zelda.  
  
"Eh, it's Daxter and Jak." Corrected Daxter.  
  
"Bah!" said Zelda. "Same thing!"  
  
Zelda wouldn't normally have minded vandalizing Peach's castle, but the fact that it was from Playstation, the fact that the writing applied to all Nintendo, and the fact that it applied especially to her, made her angry.  
  
Max however had his eye on the man from Grand Theft Auto. And Falcon kept eyeing Crash Bandicoot. Max slowly walked up to the guy with his shotgun pointed at him and said," I've been looking for your ass for a long time. Now I've got you, caught in the act. Out of everything you've done, I thought vandalism was on the bottom of your list."  
  
"I swear! We don't know this guy!" said Crash "He suddenly joined up with us as we came! I don't know him!"  
  
"I'm not interested, there's a 5 million dollar reward on this guy. And I've finally got you."  
  
"WAIT A MINUTE!" said Falcon. "FIFTY MILLION BIG ONES?! On this guy?… Hey! Now I remember hearing about this guy! Well since we helped out, how's about we spit that reward?"  
  
"No dice," said Max. "I've spent too long tracking him. This one's mine boys."  
  
"Now wait just a minute!" said Daisy. "We helped too! We want some money!"  
  
"Yea! I ought to charge you for this!" said Falcon.  
  
Zelda smirked as they argued. They didn't know that she had a limitless supply of money in her kingdom. All they'd have to do is kill a couple of monsters and they drop rubies. She turned her head to the window as she crossed her arms. She looked out and saw something strange. It looked like a bunch of flying turtles, each carrying something big and black. In front, she saw a big flying machine with a clown face painted on it. Inside was a Koopa with a magic wand in his hands. She recognized this as the Koopa Troopa. Except Bowser wasn't there for some reason, it was one of his seven children. This one happened to be named Wendy Koopa, a very ugly looking female Koopa with an annoying voice. Zelda didn't know too much about them, but she did know they were trouble, and heading this way.  
  
Max was searching that guy, and he pulled out a note that read: From the boss, we have a job tonight going down at the Mushroom kingdom. Meet us there, and we'll give ya a piece if you need it. We want you to go inside and take care of business. Get in any way you can, just stop any resistance we got there. We don't want any freakin' problems goin' on. You've always done good on the job, so doos us proud. –Watoad  
  
"So, you work for them eh? This'll be fun." Said Max.  
  
"Uhh, guys?" said Zelda.  
  
"Not now! We're discussing how we'll spit the reward!" said Falcon.  
  
"Guys!" she said louder.  
  
Max started marching the guy towards the door. Zelda noticed a barrage of black bullet things being fired from the turtles holding cannons. She'd heard they were called Bullet Bills, but it didn't matter because they were headed this way.  
  
"GUYS! WE'RE GETTING SHOT AT!" she yelled as she pointed out where.  
  
"Oh SHIT!" said everyone else.  
  
Everyone ran for the door on the opposite side of the room. The man however, jumped out the window, escaping everyone. Max was about to chase after him, but he had to cross the room since he ran the opposite direction. He didn't have enough time to avoid the shots, and turned back.  
  
*BOOM*  
  
The shockwave of the exploding bullet bills sent Max flying through the door. They checked if he was all right, and started running. The Koopa troopa must have been seriously pissed off for them to do such a thing. They didn't stop there though, shots kept hitting the corners and blowing holes in the sides.  
  
Suddenly, they heard the sound of gunfire outside. As they passed by another window, Zelda had another glimpse of what had happened. The mob had shot at the flying Koopa Troopa. That wasn't all though, there was a small ground brigade of the Koopa Troopa coming from the front. Then, coming from the opposite side, she noticed a small brigade of soldiers, whom she recognized as her own troops. It looked like her father had suspected something and went looking for her, but either way, this was not the place for them to be.  
  
"GUYS!" yelled Zelda again. "LOOK!"  
  
Everyone's jaw dropped as they saw what was happening outside. The Hyrule troops had noticed a war zone at the castle. The leader drew his sword, pointed and probably told them to charge. Hyrule and the Mushroom Kingdom were allies after all. To top it off, they heard the sound of a different helicopter above their heads. The chopper circled the castle, then was shot down by the mob. The pilot and the passengers had ejected in time. They heard sounds on the roof, which was right above them.  
  
"It's them!" said Falcon. "Our backup is here!"  
  
"Good, this place is turning into a hell hole." Said Max. "And as for you, I'd suggest staying out of the way. We'll deal with you later."  
  
Jak, Daxter, and Crash all shook their heads.  
  
"Falcon, we'd better tell them where we are." Said Johnson, talking about the people on the roof.  
  
"Good thinking Dexter. Let's do." Said Falcon.  
  
Falcon and Johnson didn't go far, because their guests had appeared before them that second. There was three people standing there, they were: Juno, from his Jet Force Gemini; Joanne Dark, Mega Man, and none other than Duke Nukem.  
  
"Those alien bastards are gonna pay for shooting up my ride!" said Nukem.  
  
Juno nodded and held up his weapon.  
  
"Ready to kick butt!" said Mega Man.  
  
They all smiled as they met their new comrades. Zelda noticed Max touch something in his ear and talk.  
  
"Uhh, Peach?… Yea I know…Uh hua…Ok listen…Yea I know!" he said. "Ok, about the castle…Well…You're not gonna believe this…" 


End file.
